Happy Birthday to Yours Truly!

Yep. Today’s my birthday. The big 3-2. I don’t have too much time to ramble on about it because I’m at work and technically am not supposed to even be doing this. So, just wanted to say thanks to everyone who’s given me birthday wishes on Facebook and through texts and things. Those of you who have my number, feel free to use it. Those of you who don’t, if you’re wiley enough to get it from the ones that do, then I guess your sneaky ways should be rewarded with a response if you do manage to get in touch with me.

I hope everyone had a groovy Halloween. I’ve got loads to say on the subject, as well as loads of pics that I’ll be sharing sometime in a lengthier post later this week. I’m still in the mood though, and haven’t succombed to that other holiday just yet, no matter how much retail America wants to shove it down my throat. I guess it doesn’t help that all of my decorations outside of the house are still there and was pleasantly surprised to come in and see the office still decked out in spiderwebs and tombstones.

Like I said, I’ve got more actual content coming later in the week. My co-workers took me out to lunch today, I’ve got a game night/B-day celebration planned tomorrow night, and my family’s taking me out this weekend, so I’m good to go. Happy Post Halloween to you all and I’ll talk to you soon.

And sorry I’ve neglected all your blogs lately. The new job’s kicking my ass six ways to Tuesday and eating up all my time, but I plan on doing something about it very soon. I miss you all, and despite my previous disdain for Christmas in October, I look forward to joining you in losing our collective minds over Advent Calendar conspiracies soon. I may not be present at your houses lately, but I’ve been haunting the Halloween Countdown quite a bit. It was a good one this year.

Oh, and one more thing–I’m doing a special 3 hour edition of Dark Entries: Goth Radio tonight. I’ll be on 7-10pm (eastern U.S. time) streaming live at WUSC 90.5 FM. Feel free to IM me at: wuscradio or give me a call on-air at 803-576-9872. See you there, kids!

Is that a Shake Weight in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

I just pulled an all-nighter and have to leave for work in about an hour. I don’t know if it’s my lack of sleep or the fact that I just spent the last half hour reading Veggie Macabre (the funniest thing since sliced X-E), but I’m in a delirious, lack of sleep, goofy mood where everything’s funny. Including this. I want to riff on it, but I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I just turned into a giggling 13 year old.

Celebrating Halloween early late: Playing With Food

It took me a little longer to get to this than I would have liked, but that’s an old song that gets sung too much round these parts. I spent most of last week upstate doing family stuff–took my little cousin out to dinner for her 18th b-day (awwww)–and just got back in the other day. I’m firing this one off tonight because I’ll be driving back up there tomorrow to do the whole thing again this weekend, this time for the aformentioned cousin’s mother. Birthdays abound!…Not to mention a certain someone who shall remain nameless who has one coming up 2 days after All Hallows Eve…(*coughmecough*).

But tonight kids, we’ve got more tales from last year’s Halloween Target haul. Last time it was soda, and now it’s all the other treats that have been slowly rotting like a forgotten punkin in the back of my kitchen cabinets for the past 12 months.

Well, all except for the first thing. This one is actually something recent. I mentioned the other day that I snagged some Halloween Oreos!

Well, they’re all IN MAH BELLEH now. They came in 5 different Boo-Rific designs, as it says right there on the package–ghost, punkin, witch, cat, and bats. Guess which was my favorite.

Did you even need to guess?

Next up is the Jelly Belly Fall Festival Mix!.

If you don’t believe me in my claims that this stuff is over a year old, check it out.

Best Before July 20, 2008. Candy corn is immortal though, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Let’s take a look inside. I’ll show you a good representation of all the different varieties contained inside.

Looks like we’ve got 3 different varieties of candy corn there and that brown lump on the left is actually supposed to be shaped like, yes, a pecan. Gotta say I’ve never seen a molded candy corn pecan before. That thing in the back is actually supposed to be a little corn cob, although it doesn’t look near as yellow in this pic as it does in real life. And of course we have the mellowcreme punkin taking center stage.

I think I’ll start with the corn cob….Well, that was interesting. Um…at first I thought it was lemony, but I think that’s just the color throwing me off. No, that tastes pretty much like a bitter, year-old candy corn. After I put it in my mouth, it was a little softer than I expected it would be because when I was holding it, it felt rock hard.

(Yes, you’re all welcome for that last sentence. Go ahead. Get it out of your system.)

Moving on to the various classic candy corn…things…Wow! The red and white one is kind of “hot.” By that I meant it’s kind of like those Red Hot candies they used to make back in the day, the ones that are supposed to be some kind of hardcore mint, like a Big Red chewing gum. I wasn’t expecting that. The one with the brown in the bottom is kind of chocolatey, and the other standard orange one is basically your run of the mill candy corn. No surprise there. Now let’s move on to the “pecan” (pecan? seriously?)…

Oh god…Oh god that’s gross. Oh sweet Jesus. Where they really trying to approximate the taste of a pecan there? What the hell is in my mouth right now??? I need some water. It’s like root beer mixed with candy corn mixed with…sweet god almighty this is foul…

I need some reinforcements. Time to bring out the big guns…

Yeah, that’s right! You didn’t see that coming did you? What, too early? Yeah, I don’t think so. Just took a sip and all is well with the world.

Ok, all that’s left of the Fall Festival here is the mellowcreme punkin. I’m sure it can’t be worse than that pecan “thing”…What the hell??? It’s the same as that red and white “red hot” bullshit! Candy corn punkins aren’t supposed to taste like that! It’s like over the past year, these things have all decided in a desperate hedonistic bid for some kind of pleasure, to have a giant orgy in the package, thinking they would never be rescued, and they all spread their disgusting flavored STD’s to each other. Each one is more infected than the last until the whole package is a festering cesspool of dripping hepaghonasyphilaids. And now it’s all in my mouth.

Jelly Belly Fall Festival Mix, your long and perilous journey has at now come to an end. Your final resting place is my trash bag. Rest in peace, you rotted, expired filth…The weird thing is, I like candy corn.

Ok, who’s on deck? Oh, here’s a blast from the past. I actually wrote about it once already. Nothing more to say really that I didn’t say before other than since that last post it temporarily became part of my Christmas decorations last year and has sat on my “holiday table” ever since. Well, Mr. Scary Skeleton, your time has finally arrived…Arise!….Arise!

I took a bite out of him after this but I won’t bore you with another picture. He tasted about the same as I remember them back in the day. They were a little more tarty back then, and this one’s a little more chalky, but who knows what spending a year in a plastic coffin and being subjected to participate in Christmas decorations does to a man. Oh, and in case you’re wondering what bite I took, well, let’s just say I hope Old Boney is a lefty, cause that’s all he’s got to work with now.

This next one is fun. I have no idea what to expect here. So far I’ve kept an open mind because although I knew I was about to eat expired processed sugar and corn syrup products that had been sitting in my cabinets for the past year, it was candy that I at least had a history of enjoying. But the next thing could go either way. You see, it’s a gummy thing. And I hate gummy. The only kind of gummy I like is this kind.

Anyways, I present to you Lightning Pumpkins Gummy Candy!

Based on the packaging I might just have to rethink my stance on gummy. If you can make it out, on the right there, it says, “NEW AND IMPROVED TONG INCLUDED.” It comes with a tong! It also says, “GRAB A PUMPKIN! LIGHT IT UP!” These motherfuckers are radioactive! I was reading the instructions on the back and there’s all this talk of making sure you use the right batteries and such, but no mention if it even comes with batteries. I was worried because I really didn’t want to make a run to the store at this time in the night for some impossibly small, ridiculous brand of battery that you can only get at Radio Shack. My love of electronic candy accessories only goes so far. But one squeeze of the tongs gave me all the answer I needed.

Since this is a special occasion I busted out something else I bought last year–my groovy raven plate. It’s actually been sitting in the cabinet since then too and this is its first use. Yay raven plate!

Ok, here’s the big moment.

Well, I’m afraid my shitty phone camera kind of fizzled the big climactic moment, but just imagine what it looks like on the front of the package, and it looked pretty much just like that. Like you shined a flashlight behind a piece of gummy candy…that happened to look like a punkin. And now the taste test…Yep, that’s pretty much what I thought it would be. Tastes like a rubber band had sex with a sweet tart. Hey, you can’t complain. They gave you battery operated tongs in the package for God’s sake. I mean, come on. I hate gummy stuff but it’s not every day I get to simulate electrocuting them before eating them. We’ll call it evensies.

And now, the headliner! Everything up till now has just been the local opening bands. You might stand at the front of the stage out of politeness and if you’re feeling generous buy something from their merch tables, but the following is what you got your hand stamped for…

Halloween Fizz N Finds!

Matt actually reviewed these things last year, but we’ll just chalk this up to that old saying about imitation and flattery. Besides, if you want to get technical, I think I actually bought them first back then. But, while he was actually making use of them, I didn’t do diddly squat and they’ve sat in the kitchen lo these many months, waiting for their time to shine. Well, the time be nigh, boys! The time be nigh! I’m pretty sure you know the drill on these. It’s basically an Alka Seltzer with one of 4 Halloween figurines inside.

You’ve got Boo the Ghost, Trick the Vampire guy, Treat the Frankenstein guy, and Wartsy the Witch. I bought 3 of these things, so I’m hoping for no repeats. Given the odds here, my dream team would leave out Wartsy. Not to be sexist or anything, but Trick is my first choice, followed by Boo, and rounded out by Treat. I wanna throw Treat in there cause Frankie just always gets the shaft, and I mean, look at him. He just looks sad and pitiful. Now if there were a werewolf or a zombie thrown into the mix, that would change up the whole game. But, you take what you can get in times like these. Besides, Wartsy looks like she’s responsible for whatever’s bumming out Treat so she’s already on my bad side.

Right, well let’s get to it…

First off, Matt was correct in his review. The first thing that hits you when you open the package is the smell. I don’t know what this thing smells like, but it’s strong. Also, that punkin wrapper is fused to this thing on a molecular level. It took some real work with a pairing knife to pry it all off.

The instructions say to dunk it in warm water. Here we go…

Aaaaaaand, nothing. Three minutes later and it looks just like this. I got nothing. Not a single fizzle. So I put some more warm water in, and started poking it. This is it, several minutes later, warmed and poked.

It’s so weeeird! It’s like a plastic outer film filed with some kind of gritty, slimy…stuff. The only thing I can compare it to is liquid cottage cheese, cause it’s all lumpy. That’s it. I give up. I’m picking it up and just squeezing it. The first thing I notice after picking it up is that there’s more than one thing inside there. It actually has disolved somewhat, but it was more like an ice cube melting than anything else. There sure as hell wasn’t a show. It just kind of fell apart. I started squeezing it and this gunk, which I can only describe as pus, started just shooting out in 6 different directions. The outer wall gave way to basically a plastic sack and this stuff was under a lot of pressure so it started going everywhere when I squeezed it. Here it is, sufficiently squeezed and expunged. It looks like it threw up.

All that’s left is basically a birth sack that I had to cut into with the knife to fish out whatever was in there. It wasn’t until I pulled it out and rinsed it off that I could identify it…

It’s the decapitated corpse of Wartsy the Witch! Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that somehow I knew that was her in there and in my hatred for that contempuous bitch, I squeezed it so hard her head popped right off. Well, that’s just not true. I swear I had no idea until I dug her out of that milky, placental mess. Well, aside from the satisfaction of seeing her parted with her head, that was pretty much a fail all around. Let’s continue with the experiment. I have a feeling the results will be similar though. Let’s just hope we can get some better toys…

This second go round the strategy is different. I can see right away the there’s not going to be any fanfare even remotely resembling what’s on the package and what Matt got. That dream is dead. So, I sit the thing down in the water and immediately start to gently flip it over, squeeze it, and kind of knead it like dough. This seems to help it along to fizzle much faster, but while I’m hoping to get something resembling the YMCA pool scene at the end of Gremlins, instead it just fills up the bowl with a milky, gradual discharge. The best way that I can describe the solid chalky stuff that dissolves is to compare it to lumps of sugar when it clumps up and you can just squeeze it to break it apart. It’s pretty much just like that. So I just gently squeeze it till it all dissolves and disappears. Because of the milkly layer of dissolved stuff at the top of the bowl, I can’t see what the toy looks like in there. Once I’m sure I’ve squeezed all the chalky stuff all the way down and all that’s left is the plastic sack and the little surprise, I raise it out of the water to greet the world. Let’s see what we have here…

Another late term abortion I’m afraid. I’m almost starting to feel kind of bad for the Witch community. Well, if I can get at least ONE of my dream team out of this at least the whole thing won’t be a total loss. Time to dive in for Number 3. Let’s bring it home (Oh, and as an aside, as I’m typing this I’m listening to “Dead Man’s Party” by Oingo Boingo. I’ve had a nice little soundtrack going during all of this. Wish you guys could be here for it)…

K, I’m back. Well, you sure won’t believe how this turned out. I put the tablet down in the water. Right away, I notice a different result. We don’t get the full on fizz and bubble that we’re looking for, but it did start to fizz up considerably more than the other two. I reach in the bowl to kind of help it along, squeezing and prodding and suddenly I notice something. It’s breaking up MUCH faster than the other two, and there’s no plastic birth sack thing. Instead, as I go to lift it up, the whole thing just falls apart and breaks in half! I feel a toy fall out in between the two halves, flip it over, and lookee what’s staring back at me…

It’s Boo! The Ghost! I lift him out, rinse him off, and check him out! He’s like, “Yeah, bitches. What, you didn’t think I’d show?”

But, this shit gets better. I notice right away that dude has like 4 POINTS OF ARTICULATION. His head and both arms swivel 360 degrees, and his bottom half swivels around. You can make him do The Transylvania Twist. He’s like Casper with attitude. Then it occurs to me, maybe the Wartsy twins aren’t dead after all…just disassembled. Sure enough, all you gotta do is just twist their heads onto the pegs sticking out of their necks, and boom, back to life. Turns out they’ve got the same articulation, so now it’s just a dance party. They weren’t abortions! They were just preemies! Well we’re all back to health now. Check it…

So, all’s well with the world. I’ve got one last one for you. I’m going back even further in time for this one. Come along and hop in the Delorean with me. When this baby hits 88mph, you’re gonna see some serious shit…

Some of you may remember me mentioning at one time or another that I used to work at a toy company. I basically just handled sales all day but occasionally they would have huge sales in the warehouse where they were trying to unload all their surplus stuff. So everyone in the office would mosey down there and it was just like a giant garage sale, only it was all toys, pencils and stickers. You have to keep in mind that this was 2 years ago. Well, the last sale we had was in late September of ‘07, just before I was going to quit and move to Columbia. This was the last chance I had to score a bunch of marked down crap that I would probably never use or play with but couldn’t turn down because it was so cheap. So I walked into the warehouse and sitting on the table was this.

Well I just had to have it. I mean, come on. Look at it. But after further inspection I noticed it was made by a company called Bubbagum. Bubbagum was founded by some jackass whose name I won’t repeat here because I don’t feel like it who went off and made himself a millionaire creating a product that resulted in this sadness.

Yeah. Well, the vampire teeth here were sitting there with a similar product–Zombie Teeth. Despite my disdain for the bubba thing, I had to have both of these. So I snagged them both, but unfortunately lost the zombie ones. They’re probably at my mom’s house somewhere. When I was up there last weekend I saw the vampire ones and made sure to grab them just for this occasion. Yes, I’m going to try them out. Oh, and just so you know the expiration date on the back: 07/30/2006

This ought to be fun.

The way these things work apparently is they come with a stick of gum. You’re supposed to chew the gum, then use it like denture cream to pack it down in the teeth and secure them to your teeth. Then when you’re done looking like an idiot you EAT THE TEETH. At least that’s what it says on the package. Let’s see how it works out…

So I go to open the gum, and there’s a temporary tattoo in there!

Dude, I don’t know about this gum…it looks pretty scary…

Well, it’s pretty fruity…taking a while to get it chewed well enough to mold in into the teeth, but I’m getting there..

And here we are. Blaaahhhh!

I tried actually eating the teeth but they were rock hard. I only succeeded in gnawing a chunk out of the gum. You don’t need a picture of it. It’s gross and stupid.

Wait, do you guys hear something? Is that? No…it can’t be…oh no! He’s back!…RUN!!!

What, you thought I was gone!?!? I GLOW IN THE DARK, BITCHES!

Celebrating Halloween early late: Jones Soda

You know what the best thing about Target is? You might be thinking it’s the Halloween sales. Nope. It’s the after Halloween sales. Last year, I racked up. Fifty percent off here. Seventy-five off there. I kept saying I was going to write a blog post about the haul I got, but never got round to it. Well, here we are. It’s now or never. I wait much longer, and I’ll have another haul of Halloween goodness backed up. Besides, I gotta get a jump on it before Bill gets jacked up on soda and beer in a few weeks and starts carving up stuff. So let this officially usher in DJ D’s Halloween Celebration!

Last year I snagged 3 4-packs of Jones Soda in 3 different Halloween flavors. I’ve honestly never even tasted Jones Soda before, but thanks to X-E, I’m now at least familiar with it. So, while Matt’s out hiking in the Appalachian trail or wherever the hell he is, I’m gonna do my part to bring a little darkness into all of our lives. Tis the season. So, I present to you, utilizing 3 cans of soda that have been sitting in the back of my fridge for a year, waiting for just this moment…

The Halloween Jones Soda Taste Test!

1) First up, Candy Corn!

As you can see, I’m utilizing my trusty Batman glass mug. I got this sumbitch at The Heroes Con in Charlotte last year and surprisingly haven’t used it that much. I kind of save it for special occasions. And by special, I mean doing silly things to novelty sodas.

The first thing I notice here is the smell. As soon as I turn the mug up and stick my face in it to get my first taste, I’m assaulted with the smell of some INTENSE vanilla. And now the taste test…

That, ahem, tastes absolutely nothing like candy corn. And I like candy corn. This filth tastes like a combination of old vanilla flavoring and what I can only imagine is what happens when the werewolf on the can burps in your face while shoving a Werther’s Original down your throat. Funnily enough, a quick scan of the ingredients tells us that vanilla flavoring isn’t even an ingredient. Could have fooled me. This is proof that werewolves + candy corn don’t always = success. Unless this is actually some secret formula concocted in Lon Chaney’s basement that will result in me actually turning into a werewolf, I want nothing else to do with it.

Hey, speaking of werewolves, you know what I’m jazzed about? This!

Quick rant on it though. They got Rick Baker to do the sfx. Rick-An American Werewolf in London-Baker. One of the biggest sfx geniuses to ever walk this earth, and the master of werewolf effects. But what do they do? Cover a big chunk of his work up with cgi. It’s fucking sacrilege, dammit! That’s like getting Rembrandt to do a painting for you, and saying, “You know what, this is great and all, but I think it could use some Photoshop. You don’t mind, do you?” I’m not saying that cgi werewolf transformations are always bad but…no, you know what, that IS what I’m saying. With the exception of some of the stuff in the Underworld movies, I’ve yet to see one that didn’t look like a ridiculously shitty cartoon that was far inferior in realism to anything that was done in American Werewolf and The Howling, both of which came out OVER 20 YEARS AGO. I’ve been a huge gorehound since I was a kid. When I was in high school I even sent off for admission information to the Joe Blasco School of Makeup Effects in Florida. I gave some serious consideration to going into makeup effects and prosthetics as a living. I would make my own werewolf makeup and appliances for Halloween when I was a little kid and Rick Baker was one of my heroes. I’m of the school that if it can be done practically, it should. Unfortunately, shitty, low budget cgi has really hurt the art form in the last decade or so.

I’m still looking forward to it though. Of all the classic Universal monsters, werewolves have always been my favorite. I know vampires are supposed to be the coolest, but fuck that. Cool? Yes. No doubt. But scary? No way. And in my heart and house, scary trumps cool every time.

2) Next up, Spooookiwi!

First off, the color of it is actually much more green than what you’re getting in the picture. It actually looks something like a cross between Sierra Mist and antifreeze. Ok, let’s go. The smell is a LOT nicer. Really fruity. The taste…SCORE! I think we have a winner, folks! Yeah, this is good stuff. I’m sipping in between sentences here. It does taste like kiwi, but also kind of tastes like any green citrusy soda in the Sierra Mist vein. I’m digging it. Oh, btw, the name actually does have 4 “o”s in it. I wasn’t embellishing for effect there. Although, I think Frankiwi would have been better. I’ll let it slide. That candy corn crap didn’t have a fancy pun name, so I’m not asking for one here.

3) Lastly, the big finale…Buried Pomegranate!

Oddly, this is my favorite name of the three. Spooookiwi’s cool and all, but they put some thought into Buried Pomegranate. This shit is from the grave. In keeping with the classic Universal Monsters tradition (enforced in badass manner by The Monster Squad), Dracula is the leader of the gang here. The pic once again isn’t a good representation of the actual color of the stuff. It looks kind of brown here, but it’s actually more of a pinkish-purplish hue. I was hoping for something more along the lines of a deep blood red, but I’ll take this.

I’m particularly looking forward to this one because this will officially be my first exposure to pomegranate. Granted, it’s actually “real and artificial flavors”, but that’s good enough for me. I’ve never eaten a pomegranate, never drank a pomegranate soda (Can somebody seriously hook a brother up with some Pom 7Up? They don’t distribute it down here)…in fact this is the first time I’ve ever laid eyes on anything of the pomegranate persuasion. So, without further ado, I’m going to break my pom cherry…sort of.

Smells really nice. Really fruity. Woah! I got dizzy there! I’m not joking. That shit is strong! It actually reminds me a little of Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash, but it’s got this other kick to it, like this weird biting aftertaste. Interesting. I really want some Pom 7Up now. I can see that being great for Christmas.

So, that’s that. The verdict? Spooookiwi wins by a neck bolt. Ironic, since he’s my least favorite of these 3 monsters. Now, if there was a zombie one, that would be something. Grape From the Grave!

I’m off now to throw up 24 oz of sugar, fructose corn syrup, and artificial flavors. The things I do for you people…

“I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, Forgive me if it goes astray…”

There are a few things I know for sure in this life:

1. I love Prince. No matter what you do and no matter how cool I think you are, I will always think Prince is a little cooler than either one of us.

2. It actually is possible to have too much of a good thing.

That last one was proven to me a couple of days ago. Lately my sleeping patterns have been a little less than desirable. I’ve been pulling all-nighters and sleeping all day a lot the last couple of weeks but I think I’ve got it sorted out now. While I was taking one of my naps the other day I found that maybe I’ve been spending a little too much time on the internet, more specifically reading other peoples’ blogs. What happened? Well…

MY BLOGROLL IS INVADING MY DREAMS…

Now, you folks are cool and all, don’t get me wrong, but of all the things I want to dream about, random people I’ve met on the internet don’t exactly rank high on the list. I mean, you’ve got dreams of flying, there’s always Christina Ricci (swoon), I could be Batman (I’ve had that one!…oh, who am I kidding? My entire waking life is a giant Batman wish dream), and the list goes on.

But do I get any of that? Nope. I got this:

It started out with me walking in a swamp, which quickly turned into a sort of Amazon river kind of deal that I see on nature programs a lot, where the water’s all muddy and brown and you expect a crocodile to pop his head up at you any second. Suddenly I hear a roar behind me. It’s a freaking T-Rex and it’s bearing down on me. I start to haul ass but he’s a lot faster and he’s almost caught up to me. He’s getting closer and closer and I look down and suddenly there’s a 4-wheeler in front of me. I hop on it and right at the last second, just before the T-Rex is about to snatch me off of it with his big T-Rex teeth, the 4-wheeler starts up and I take off. This thing can seriously move. I leave him far behind (keep in mind, I’m actually in water at the time, but it’s only about wheel-deep), but I hear something else coming up behind me.

It’s one of these!

So, he starts to ram my 4-wheeler. However, somehow my battered 4-wheeler is actually faster than the speeder bike. Don’t ask me how. He starts to catch up to me, side-swiping me and ramming me from behind and knocking me all over the place, but I’m still outrunning him. I look up and suddenly I see that I’m coming up on a beach, with a giant house not too far from the shore. I gun it on the 4-wheeler and drive right up on the beach. Speeder bike guy is gone.

The house is huge, with lots of windows. The front door is wide open, so I walk inside. I hear the sound of someone talking in another room off to the right, so I make my way in there. It’s a woman and she’s sitting at a desk, talking on the phone with her back to me. She’s also doing something on a computer. I turn her chair around to see who it is. It’s The Pilver! Suddenly I realize that I’m supposed to be there. It’s like I had an appointment, but even after seeing her I still don’t quite know who she is or what I’m there to do. I think she’s Kristiane, but I’m not entirely sure. It also doesn’t help that she’s not only The Pilver…but she’s also DC! Dum, dum, duuuummm!

What?

Ok, let me explain. It’s like, you know how you just know certain things in dreams? Like, you walk into a building and even though you have no reason to know it, you just know you’re there to get your hair cut or something. Well, that’s what it was like. I instantly knew that I was supposed to be in Kristiane’s house for a specific reason, but she looked like DC. Whoever was in this chair was a weird combination of the two. It’s even stranger, because aside from one really small avatar picture that doesn’t tell you too much, I’m not even entirely sure what DC looks like. For the purposes of my dream, she had long dark hair. I didn’t get a good look at her face, because as soon as “DCistiane” turned around she said, in a sort of annoyed voice, “Just wait in the living room. I’ll be there in a minute.” I quickly whipped her chair back around so that she could face the computer, and she went back to talking on the phone.

I walked down the hall, back in the direction of the door that I came in from earlier, and made my way to the living room. Along the way I started thinking that I really needed clarification as exactly whose house I was in. So I started looking around at anything that would have a name on it. I saw a stack of mail on a table and started looking through it. I found an envelope that had the name Kristiane Clarice Eggers on it. I don’t know a great deal about Kristiane, only what I’ve read here and there, but I know for sure that her name isn’t Kristiane Clarice Eggers. Maybe Clarice comes from the fact that The Silence of the Lambs is one of my favorite movies of all time and that’s Jodi Foster’s character’s name in it. As for the Eggers part, the only thing I can think of is that about 7 or 8 years ago I kind of knew a girl named Christine Eggers. I only knew her because she was friends with one of my neighbors that I was friends with and used to come around sometimes. But I haven’t spoken to her in years, and barely even knew her then. It’s weird the things that we hang on to.

So, now that that mystery is kinda-sorta solved, I walk into the living room and find your standard issue TV, entertainment center, and clutter in the corner. Strewn all over the floor is a bunch of shoes and toys and stuff. For some reason I feel the need to straighten up, so I start organizing the shoes, just matching them up and lining them up along the wall. Just as I’m picking up a pair of light blue flip-flops, I hear, “Hey man, what are you doing?” I turn around, and in the kitchen is a guy laying on a futon. I guess he was napping. He sits up, and it’s…

Phil Lynott, lead singer of Thin Lizzy!

We have a brief conversation, but I can’t really remember what I said to him. His appearance is actually not much of a mystery. Just the night before I was watching a live Thin Lizzy show on VH1 Classic (the only decent music channel left on television), so it kind of makes sense he might show up in my dream. Although, in hindsight, the fact that I actually got to talk to Phil Lynott is pretty awesome considering he’s been dead for years and Thin Lizzy was an amazing band that never got the respect they deserved. As to why Phil seemed to be a little pissed that I was organizing flip-flops in Kristiane and/or DC’s house, well your guess is as good as mine.

It was about this time that “DCistiane”, who I still understood to be Kristiane yet still looked like DC, came walking down the hall and said something like, “Well, it looks like I’m all booked up right now. We’ll have to do this some other time.” So I said, “Alright” and left. I still don’t have the first clue what it was I was doing there in the first place, but she sure seemed to. I was just trying to find some place in which to hide from a speeder bike guy and a T-Rex. So I walked back out the door, got on my 4-wheeler and drove back into the ocean/swamp.

First off, I just want to apologize. I don’t know where this stuff comes from and I hope that no one reading this, including the ghost of Phil Lynott, thinks I’m unnaturally fixated on them. This was just too much fun to keep to myself, and I wanted to share it before I forgot it all, as often happens with out-there dreams. Don’t worry though. I’m not about to start stalking anyone. I know the idea of partying like it’s 1999 in a groovy house with Thin Lizzy on an island that’s guarded by The Galactic Empire in the middle of Jurassic Park sounds like a lot of fun, and some people may be tempted to go find it again, but that shit was scary. I’m staying away from both of you. And your flip-flops.

Different Strokes

Just firing off a quickie. I’ve got much bigger stuff to write about, but it’s been a little bit since the last one and I just wanted to get this in there. Oh, comments to your comments have been posted on the previous post so check that out, blah, blah, dee blah…

Here’s a few things that have gone down since the last time we spoke…

Neighbors From Hell update: They’re gone! They’re gone! Thank God almighty, they’re gone! Zippity-doo! I have no idea when some new people will eventually move in, but for now, just like Depeche Mode, I’m enjoying the silence.

Critter update: You know my Omen Bird? Well, since I wrote the last post, it was perched out on the back porch every single night. I’d finish up dinner, wash up the dishes, and just like clockwork, I’d open my back door and there he’d be, perched in his spot. I grew not to fear him, but to appreciate his company…until about a week ago…the day the neighbors moved out. That was the last time I saw him. Now I’m starting to think he wasn’t there to warn me of some impending doom, but rather to protect me. Seeing the threat was gone, he left. Weirdest thing, though. The frog came back, and has been on my front porch almost every night. Did the bird become a frog? Did the frog eat the bird? The mind boggles…

Job update: No update, really. Same old same old. “Everything looks good, looks like you’ve got plenty of experience, we’ll probably call you soon, yadda, yadda yadda…”

Yeah, I’ll be homeless within the month.

So, here’s how the day went. I had an appointment earlier today, then went by my one of my favorite restaurants down the street to drop off an application. Sure, almost a year ago I was a working professional, making great money with great benefits, but one layoff and a year later, and now it’s come down to possibly waiting tables at a burger joint. Yeah, that’s where we are.

Anyway I spoke to the manager the other day when I picked up the application and he told me that when I returned it to give it to the owner and speak to him directly. Well, the owner wasn’t there, so I decided I would come back later tonight after he came in. So I went back out to the car, put the key in the ignition, turned it…and nothing. Wouldn’t start. I’m not surprised really. I’ve been having some trouble with it lately not wanting to start right away and actually planned on putting it in the shop this week or next, but hoped it didn’t come down to having it towed from somewhere. I’m pretty sure it’s something to do with the starter, because everything electric seems fine.

So I headed back in, sat at the bar, and planned on calling the mechanic I usually go to. Couldn’t find their card in my wallet (still don’t know why it wasn’t there…it’s always there–Omen Birdfrog probably got it), so I borrowed the bar’s phone book. There were a couple of grizzled old guys sitting at the bar who both rattled off the names of a few places they recommended and I ended up settling on one those because I had heard good things about it (my usual place was a little farther away and I was looking to take it some place close to home in case I had to walk to pick it up). So I made the call. Tow truck’s on its way.

While waiting, I struck up a conversation with the manager and told him why I was there in the first place. Maybe he felt sorry for me because he took my application and told me he would give it to the owner directly when he came in. He said they just lost 4 of their best people recently and were looking to hire someone and that he would do his best to hook me up. So, at least there’s that. The car was towed and I walked home.

I came in, had dinner, and proceeded to clean up a little. I opened up the back door to put something in the trash, and guess who was there, perched on the back awning. Nice to see you again, Omen Bird!

Sooo, to brighten my mood a little, and hopefully yours, I submit the following. I went to a birthday party for a friend of mine the other day. She’s obviously in the middle here, complete with princess hat, balloon hat, and Harry Potter glasses. I’m on the left.

Somebody want to explain exactly what the hell is wrong with me here? Does having a stroke cause memory loss? Because I don’t even remember this picture being taken and it looks like I’m in the middle of stroking out.

One…two…Rorschach’s coming for you…

Right, so I’m overdue for another post, and I’ve got loads of things I want to do, but the following has got me ALL KINDS of excited, so I had to post it. By now I’m sure most of you have seen the just released first looks at our NEW FREDDY KRUEGER!!! But in case you haven’t, here ya go…

I’m pretty happy so far. It saddens me that there actually will be a new Nightmare movie without Robert Englund, but I trust Jackie Earle Haley to do something interesting with it, and I’m incredibly relieved that they didn’t make any drastic changes to the hat, sweater, and glove. In fact, I think the glove looks great. I’ve been reading a few things here and there from people who have seen closer looks at the makeup that there is a slight difference (a more “realistic” burned look), but from what little we can make out so far, it looks good. Also, there seems to be an effort to return the franchise to its original scary roots, as opposed to the ridiculous comical turn that the original series took in the later movies.

I’m just glad we’re finally getting a look at something. I’ve been checking all my usual horror/news sites daily for a few months now just dying for a peek at anything, but they’ve done an amazing job of security on this thing as far as not letting anything get leaked out. Now let’s see a trailer!

Now, it’s just a matter of whether or not Michael Bay, who is producing, will screw it up. Anyone who knows any little thing in the world about me knows I’m not exactly a fan of his, and was none too impressed by what happened with the Friday the 13th remake, but we’ll see. Although, and I hate to admit this, I actually did like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, even though I seem to be in the minority on that one.

The thing that concerns me the most are the one-dimensional descriptions of the other characters in the movie. Nancy will be the token Goth girl, then there’s a guy who’s a podcast-making nerd, and I’m sure there will be the standard jock/a-hole, a token black kid, yadda, yadda, yadda…I HATE this whole trend lately of having every young character in horror movies completely summed up in one word. Even in the cheesiest of early F13 and Nightmare movies, there was some kind of depth to some of the characters. Sometimes you even, oh I don’t know, actually cared about them. I guess time will tell. We’ve got till April of next year to over-analyze and talk ourselves into hating it early.

Aaaand, since it’s July, and my Halloween yearning is already in full affect, I’ve got some other creepiness to discuss. I’ve had some skeery critters hanging out on my porches lately. I’ve already discussed in a previous post my evil omen-bringing bird buddy that’s been hanging out. Well, he’s returned, and this time was on the back porch. He tends to switch back and forth between front and back. I can’t even take my trash out now without living in fear of getting dragged to hell by a pecking flock of infernal horrors. Check him out, looking over his shoulder, giving me the evil eye…

Well, it seems, he’s not satisfied in taunting me himself. He’s recruited other amphibious, legions of the damned. I found THIS little fella on my front porch the other night. Sorry for the dodgy quality. Best I could do with my cell phone using just the porch light for lighting…

Then, to make things worse, I decided to sweep the porch today and sweep away some of the spiderwebs in the corners of the door frame. That’s where I came across this guy. In case you can’t make it out, it’s a giant spider. In a giant web. And it’s dead.

Now these could all just be random coincidences…or, all of Hell itself could be conspiring against me to use a series of omens and signs that will over time drive me to the point of cackling madness. Don’t worry. I’ll be sure to document the entire spiral.

As a final note, I went off and got myself a haircut yesterday. A very short one. The lady who did it was sitting down reading a magazine when I walked in. She sighed, stood up, greeted me in a very monotone and annoyed voice, and acted the entire time as if I had just slit her dog’s throat, skinned it, laid it on her lap, and then demanded a haircut. I mean, she could not have possibly been more annoyed that she had to actually go to work for 15 minutes.

But, something good (aside from the haircut itself) is coming out of it. In an effort to appease my legion of fans and loyal readers, I’m fulfilling a request. The other day on Facebook, Kristiane requested a pic of the results. So, I’ll do you one better. I’ll give you two. Take that, Pliver!

EEK! indeed…

Where’s the Beef?

So I made some hamburgers the other day. Anybody else see a problem here?

Yeah, my burger to bun ratio might be a little off there.

So I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to do the cliche blog thing and put the “Where’s the beef?” Wendy’s commercial in, all embedded and such. Well, you’re out of luck. Ain’t going to happen. What do you think this is, amateur hour?

Shit.

What else…oh, a lot’s happened since we last talked. Sorry if anyone was jilted at The Deejies. The award committee is a fickle bunch. Maybe next year.

So a few weeks ago I was sicker than I’ve been in years…just miserable, hacking cough, not keeping food down, wheezing, sore all over, terrible, terrible sick. I’m all better now, but I spent one of those days helping my dad move. I’d felt bad if I had bailed on him because I promised him I would and he really didn’t have anyone else to do it, so I suffered my way through it.

Anyway, after it was over, we went out to this little general store type place up the road from his new house because they served hot dogs in there and he recommended it. As we were walking in, I saw THIS posted up outside:

Somebody want to explain to me what in the hell a “Fast Growing Kitten” is? Is this some genetically engineered Cylon cat that’s going to infiltrate the regular cat population in a sci-fi plot to take over the world? As if you hadn’t guessed, he moved kind out out in the sticks. Some weeeiiird stuff goes down in the country, man.

What else we got? I’m firing this one off kind of quick this morning because I’ve actually stayed up all night at this point and it’s almost 7:00am as I type this. I’ve got to get to bed soon because I may or may not be driving out of town later to see my family for the weekend. Haven’t decided yet. So, if this is particularly even MORE rambling than usual, it’s the lack-of-sleep-delirium talking.

Oh yeah, since we last talked one third of the entire entertainment industry died. Yeah, they’re dropping like flies. I’m really bummed that this is officially now a world without Michael Jackson. I don’t care what anyone says about him. Like Dave Chappelle once said, the man made Thriller. For that alone I can forgive any alleged kiddie-diddlin’ on his part. Hell, as long as as he’s passing out settlements outside of court, he could have diddled me.

I mean, he made Thriller, people.

Thriller.

So, yeah. The world’s going to hell. Everybody’s dying and now we got Mark Sanford once again bringing shame down upon South Carolina. Joining a long list of things that we’re already embarrassed about…lessee…we had slavery, the Confederate flag flying atop the capitol, Susan Smith, Strom Thurmond, Hootie and the Blowfish, Matchbox 20, at least one cast member of The Real World, and now this jackass. I never liked the guy anyway. He came into my office years ago when I worked at the SC Film Commission and rubbed me the wrong way even back then. For those of you reading this outside of SC (i.e. everyone), in case you’re wondering, he wasn’t exactly liked here anyway, even before the scandal. I’m almost glad it happened though. Now we might actually be rid of him.

But, to try to save a little face and put the The Palmetto State in a better light, I’ve put together a little list of things that SC has produced that we’re actually pretty proud of. So, here we go:

–Myrtle Beach–This one’s kind of a weird one because while people all over the east coast go there to vacation and think it’s great, people actually in SC refer to it as “The Redneck Riviera”. We go there every summer, but don’t really see what the big deal is. Same as anywhere else, though. I’m sure people who live near Disneyland are pretty blah about it and sick of the tourists, while the rest of the world thinks it’s amazing.

–Charleston

–Sweet Tea (yeah!)

–Blue skies, mountains, and beaches–Yeah, I know you can get that anywhere, but if you can get past the searing, 96 degree summers, this IS a really beautiful place to live.

–Andrew Jackson

–Andie MacDowell (Hotness!)

–Leeza Gibbons

–Eartha Kitt

–Shawnee Smith (Double Hotness!)

–Vannah White

–Stephen Colbert

–Peaches–I know, Georgia gets all the credit, but SC actually produces more of them. Plus, GA doesn’t have this sumbitch:

Traveling south on I-85 toward Gaffney (where Andie MacDowell is from) you get this sight. A 150 foot tall peach shaped water tower, technically named Peachoid, but us locals just call it “The Peach.” A trip along I-85 wouldn’t be the same without getting mooned by The Peach there. It’s perverted. It’s uncomfortable, and it’s freaking huge. I love it. I’ve actually urinated on it, but that’s a story for another day.

Couple more things I wanted to discuss. Oh, there’s this bird that’s been hanging around my place. It hung around last summer too, only it’s kind of creepy. It’s hard to tell in the pic, but it’s actually perched on the inside of the awning above my porch. I come out sometimes and there it is, with it’s back turned to me, all Blair Witch and stuff…

And sometimes it switches porches. I’ve got the same kind of awning on the back porch too, and sometimes I’ll see it there, right in front of me when I open the back door, back turned to me. I’m pretty certain it’s some sort of omen. Maybe it’s got something to do with those fast growing cats. Exactly what was in those hot dogs anyway?

In other news…

Hey, guess what I did a couple of days ago…

Wait…what’s all this now?

Izzat what I think it is? It looks like it could be…no, it can’t be…it’s a, it’s…

READ ‘EM AND WEEP, BITCHES! I SAW GHOSTBUSTERS AT THE MOVIES!

Yep, couldn’t believe it. I was looking at the movie listings just for the heck of it the other day and I saw that a theater in town was showing some random, one-time-only showing of Ghostbusters at the ungodly hour of 10:00 in the morning on Wednesday. Now, considering that as I type this it is now AFTER 7:00am, and I’ve been up since YESTERDAY morning, I’m not exactly a morning person. But this was worth it. So, after being all excited and going to bed at like 6:00am on Wednesday morning, I set my alarm and got up like 3 hours later and went and saw Ghostbusters. Of course even though I’ve seen it a million times and can quote like every line, I’d never seen it on the big screen. It was an amazing way to spend the morning. If I could do something like this every morning, I’d get a lot more done in life.

The other thing I know is, after all these years…I’m still scared s**tless of this:

I’m sorry, but “Where’s the beef?” just never stops being funny.

The First Annual Deejie Awards!

First off, before we do anything here, a bit of housecleaning. Once again, it’s been a good while between posts here and I just replied to a slew of comments on the last post, so head over there before reading any further if you like, and you may be the lucky recipient of my attention! I know I must come off sometimes like an absentee dad who breezes into town once every few months and tries to make up for not being around by giving a few presents, but I promise I really do care. Just because things didn’t work out between me and your mother, it doesn’t mean I still don’t love you.

You back? Good. Took you long enough. Right, well I’ve got an extra special treat for you tonight kids. You see, something quite epic occurred just a little over a year ago. On May 7th, 2008, yours truly caved into all the peer pressure and, partly inspired by the insane scribblings by that guy that runs that other site we all know and love, and partly in a desperate attempt to sit at the cool kids table, went off and got myself WordPressed. Yep, this month marks the 1 Year Anniversary of DJ D’s Great and Secret Show.

I was going to actually do this hoopla on the 7th of this month to make it extra special, but you know how it is. I think I was out of town at the time or something anyway. But, as of this writing, it’s Sunday evening, May 31st, it’s still technically May. Close enough. I have no problem having annual blog post celebrations join horseshoes and hand grenades in that heap of things in which “almost” only counts.

That was possibly the most effed up sentence I’ve ever typed in a year of doing this.

Ok, let’s get on with it. I’m thinking the best way to start the celebrations is to take a little trip down memory lane. Alright, buddy system everybody. You guys paired up? Good. Let’s go. We’re going to revisit the first ever post I wrote. It was right here.

First off, I had to come up with a name for this thing. One of my biggest obsession in life is Clive Barker, and my favorite novel of all time is The Great and Secret Show, so there you go. Thanks Clive. Hope you don’t mind.

Anyway, about that first post…I’m going to skip over the Ms. Pac-Man mug and He-Man dinner tray. Nothing much to say about them really. They’re still around and getting used frequently. But the other item…

The Girl Scout Thin Mints. It’s been a year now and surely they must be digested, expelled, and fodder for a landfill by now, right? Nope…and don’t call me Shirley.

In fact, I actually never got round to eating them all. In fact, they made the move with me to my new apartment last year. In fact, they’ve been in my freezer all this time. In FACT, they’re hanging out with me as I write this right now:

Yep, there’s that little black girl, still hanging by that rope.

Wow, I never thought I’d ever type that sentence.

In celebration, I am now going to open the box and eat a couple of these year-old Thin Mints. Gimme a sec and I’ll let you know how they are…

Holy crap, I’ve still got half a box in here! They came packaged in 2 silver foil tubes inside the box. One was empty but the other hadn’t even been opened yet. And I gotta say, these things are still delicious. They’ve got a pretty impressive shelf freezer life. Who knew?

In case you’re wondering, that thing perched on top of my monitor is my Beanie Baby Bat. His name is Batty. And he is my friend.

So, where are we now? Well, a year on, and I’ve geeked out over all things Batman, made a few design changes, made quite a few friends, expanded the audience of my radio show, and apparently have garnered quite a bit of attention from the web surfing community. Here’s a rundown of recent stats:

From the first day of this blog all the way up till January. of this year, readership stayed at a steady average of around 250 views per month, with one unusual blip in July of last year when it hit 739. I assume that has something to do with a certain movie that came out last summer having to do with a certain nocturnal vigilante that we all know is near and dear to my black little heart. But, aside from that anomaly, it never got above about 275.

Then, in February it all changed. Out of nowhere, it skyrocketed to 4,672! March…6,739!…then peaked in April with a whopping 6,924 views! You’d think Matt C. himself stepped in for a cameo writing gig.

Looking at search terms, turns out that mentioning Bugs Bunny in a list of gay cartoon characters does a lot for your viewership. On April 2nd, I got 284 views on this post alone, and it continues to be the most viewed out of everything I’ve written. Guess I gotta try to top that now.

There’s a been a slight dip for May, but I’m still riding high at 5,795 for the month. And since that’s over 10 times the number of people who viewed the blog when I first started it, I’m not complaining.

As of today, as we celebrate the anniversary of this thing, I’ve gotten exactly 300 comments EVEN. Thanks for sticking around and chiming in. My OCD side also wants to thank you for making 300 such a nice round number for the anniversary celebration. We appreciate that kind of thing around here.

Total views so far, since the first day the blog existed: 27,211

Wow.

So, it’s time I start giving back. I know I haven’t been around that much lately and have kind of ignored you guys, but I figure what better way to celebrate, than to give you something to put on your mantle piece and brag about, so I now cordially invite you to…

The First Annual Deejie Awards!

Welcome to the ceremony. Everyone please take your seats…all 17 or so of you. I hope you like what we’ve done with the place. I’ve made some changes up top as you can see.

All of you ladies looked lovely in your evening gowns as you strolled down the black carpet. Thanks for getting all tarted up for this. Guise, I see you decided to go with the bunny ears tonight. Good choice. JoshC brought his guitar….aaaaaand it looks like DC started celebrating early. That’s ok. We’ll just uh, clean that up later. Designated drivers will be provided.

So, without further ado-dee-doo, let’s get this thing started. May I have the first envelope please…

For the first award tonight, the category is Best Blog You’re Not Reading. And the Deejie goes to…

Amy! If the number of comments are a judge of how many people actually read your blog (and I don’t necessarily think it is), then it’s a sad fact that Amy’s just not getting the recognition she deserves. I was bummed to find that she closed up shop back in January, but thankfully came back. Maybe she just needs more PR. Hopefully I can help. If you’re a fan of looking at the world through the eyes of a smart, creative chick who’s an engaging writer and happens to like dodgy corn (I’m hooked already), then you should check it out.

Next up we have the Thanks For All The Memories award. And the Deejie goes to…

Annette! Let’s face it. If you’re not a fan of nostalgia then you wouldn’t be here, and I’ll be the first to admit I’m stuck in 1985 and going nowhere fast. It’s for that reason that I really look forward to checking in on one of the coolest Nostalgia Junkies out there. From trips to the thrift store, to lamenting on her failure to secure a Star Trek glass (I got the Spock one the other day, btw–neener, neener, neener), it’s a really cool spot to get your fix of 80’s and 90’s pop culture whenever there’s a dry spell at any of of your other favorite blogs.

Next up, is the You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore award. Envelope please…and the Deejie goes to…

Bill! I’ll just say it. The Veggie Macabre is hands down one of my favorite things on the internet. It just is. When I first started doing this, I was hoping to one day come up with something that people looked forward to reading near as much as I look forward to reading what Bill manages to come up with on a regular basis. If he just wrote the “Where Did You Go?” posts alone, I’d show up for it. It didn’t take me long to join his growing army of fans (that are admittedly mostly female–ladies love the VM). But, not too long ago he traded in his necktie for a fireman’s uniform (further increasing his effortless coolness), and scaled back his online activities somewhat, including commenting around here. I’m the worst at procrastinating and not keeping up with my blog reading or writing, so I don’t blame him at all, but I guess I just wanted to say the blogging universe is a better place with him in it and he has been missed.

Hope you guys are enjoying the ceremony so far. On to the next award. It’s called The Greenhorn Award and goes to…

bluesuit12! I honestly don’t know her that well and don’t know that much about her aside from the fact that chick likes to travel. She’s all over the place, and looks like she’s a lot of fun and possibly a little touched in the head. All I know is she showed up commenting here out of the blue not to long ago and she’s a cool chick. And not exactly too hard on the eyes either. Hellooo, nurse!

Next envelope please. The next award is the First One To Arrive, Last One To Leave award. It goes to…

Dan! The reason for the award is that the dude’s just always there. He’s usually the first to make a point of reading, the first to comment, and the first that I know I can call at any hour of the day if I’m bored while I’m driving and just want to chat. He and his wife are good people and for that, I say thanks.

Next up, the Patience Is A Virtue award. Goes to…

DC! Another groovy chick who I can always count on for good conversation. She gets this award because she’s been incredibly patient in waiting for a gift I promised her last Halloween but haven’t gotten round to making yet. Also, we’re all patiently waiting for her return to writing. Looks like I’ll have to get on it and give her something to write about.

Next up is the Big Eyes And Action Lines award and it goes to…

Dio! A badass artist and all around groovy chick who’s way into anime and cosplay. I don’t know much about either one of those things, but I know that her Deviant Art account makes me want to pick up my pencil and work harder.

Next envelope please…Ah yes, this is a sort of special one. It’s the Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder award…and it goes to…

dohopoki! I’d like to accept this award on his behalf, as he has been MIA for quite some time and is greatly missed. Any word of his whereabouts or condition would be greatly appreciated.

Moving on to the Excellence In Consistancy award. This one goes to…

FungusMungus! You can always count on Mungus for a great deal of content. Whether it be sharing anecdotes of his home life or leaving you entire short stories as comments, he is consistently entertaining and genuine.

Next up, we have the Great Minds Think Alike award. Envelope please…Thank you…And it’s…

Galileo! he gets this one because it seems no matter what he’s talking about, from movie reviews, to his view on the Joker in The Dark Knight, our opinions are almost always the same. It’s almost creepy.

Next up, a very special award. It’s the first one of the International category and is the London Calling award. It goes to…

Guise! It’s really cool to have a new friend from across the pond. I went to school there many years ago and not a day has gone by since I returned that I haven’t dreamed of going back. It’s nice to have a reminder of “my other home”, even if he does talk funny and use too many “u”’s in conversation. Oh, and his blog is one of the funniest, engaging, and most perverse things you’ll ever read.

Next up, the Less Is More award. Goes to…

Hazard! He’s the master of saying a lot by saying a little. He’s been somewhat of a regular around here, and while I tend to be a little on the long-winded side, he does a great job of summing up a movie review in a couple of paragraphs, and it’s always entertaining. Me, I’ll ramble on for days…

Speaking of which, we’re almost done, folks. Hang in there. I’m saving the best for last. But for now, it’s time for the It’s About Dang Time award. Congrats…

jazzy! Why is she getting this award? Because it’s about dang time she started writing again. I randomly stumbled across her blog last year while at work and sat in the corner quietly shaking with the church giggles as I read her assessment of Babysitter Club books. I knew nothing about The Babysitter Club until then but I sat there laughing my stupid head off all to myself. I anxiously awaited the next thing she would write. She shot off a few more slowly over the next couple of months, and then…nothing. But, it looks like she’s back in the swing of things now and possibly churning out some regular stuff. If you haven’t checked it out, I highly recommend it. Start with the Babysitters Club thing, and work your way up. It’s hilarious.

Alright, it’s time again for another award in the International category. It’s the Best Thing To Come Out Of Canada Since Bacon award and it goes to…

JoshC! Here’s another one that kind of disappeared a little, but that’s alright cause he and his band are busy doing the devil’s work. He plays in a punk band, knows his horror movies, and I know I can count on him when the inevitable zombie apocalypse comes. And for that, I’m willing to let it slide that his people stuck us with Alanis Morissette.

Right on. Next envelope please. The next award is the Excellence In General Badassery award and goes to…

kittymao! Aside from the fact that her name has the phrase “my ass off” in it, she gets this award because she knows her heavy metal, she likes Star Trek, and her dog is cooler than your dog. That’s all you need to know.

Here’s one I’ve been looking forward to. What do you get when you put My Little Ponies, candy, video games, and maypoles all in a blender? It’s the Ponies And Perversions award and it goes to…

Mystie! Often described as X-Entertainment’s little sister, Crown Combo is one of the coolest things on the intertubes. And if you disagree, we can settle this outside right now. When she’s not busy taking creepy stalker pics of Mennonites, Mystie can be found expounding on the virtues of the latest specialty M&M’s and hanging out with YouTube celebrities. She’s an all around cool chick, and has the uncanny ability to call me every foul name under the book and I can’t imagine ever getting mad at her. Mystie, I’ll be your slut anytime.

I was looking forward to this one too. This next award winner not only is one of the funniest people I’ve ever had the fun of rambling on with in the wee hours of the morning, but she can cook your ass under the table. The winner of the Best Blog Post Name Ever award goes to…

squee4242! She’s a gambler, a gangster of love, a little bit of a nerd, and has an encyclopedic knowledge of Lost. But why is she here? Cause she managed to come up with what I thought was the best title for a blog post I’ve ever seen. Of course, you have to know what it’s about to get the joke, so take a minute to check it out. I present to you…Bitches Be Trifilin’.

Well, thanks for sticking with us this far kids. We’ve now come to the part of the show you’ve all be waiting for. The big one. It’s the Lifetime Achievement Award and it goes to…

X-Entertainment! I don’t think I can say anything here that hasn’t been said already. Without it, I, and most of the people reading this, wouldn’t be here. I never had any desire to write a blog at all until I discovered X-E and now I can’t imagine a day without checking in for an update. I spend a lot of time reliving my childhood on my own, and X-E has managed to turn it into an art form with a heavy dose of sarcasm and originality. It’s taught us that little boys can design He-Man characters, chicken and Doritos have no place in the same bag, there is such a thing as giant ape juice (although I still don’t have a clue what it is), and Kool-Aid can be more even more exciting than you remember. It’s given us Advent calendar conspiracies, Megaparties, and Halloween Countdowns. If not for X-E, I wouldn’t know that James Lipton can shoot fire from his hands, Mare Winningham is a raging bitch, and that you can actually make friends with people online who aren’t all flakes, weirdos, stalkers, and shut-ins. Although, I still have my reservations about some of you.

So, thank you Matt. I know you’ll probably never read this, but as long as you’re writing, I’m reading.

So that’s our show, folks! Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for showing up. You can pick up your gift bags on the way out. Enjoy your Deejies, and feel free to leave your acceptance speeches in the comments section below.

Good night!

Fun With Phones

I guess I should say first off that before starting this, I responded to all the comments on the previous post first, so if you haven’t read any of that and want to, go ahead and check it out and come back. Don’t mind me. I’ll wait…

There. See, I do listen to what you people say. I want to give a special reassurance to Amy first off that I have not abandoned my readership. I suppose the least I could have done was to pop in and say something like “New Post. Well, It’s Better Than No New Post.”, but then people would have bitched that I didn’t respect them anymore and Amy and all her troll buddies would be coming up with parodies of sitcom theme songs involving me, and then saying all kinds of crazy talk about me passing the writing torch on to other people, and that the best days of this blog are behind it and all kinds of other nuttery.

No, not really. I just like to live in the delusion that this site actually is as relevant and beloved as that other site that has apparently been “abandoned.” But don’t even get me started on that soapbox.

But that’s not why you called. What’s all this about phones? Well, the other day I got an interesting call. A very different kind of call. One in which 2 people were on the other end. And one of them talked funny. He pronounced words with extra u’s in them, and said things like “‘ello guvnor” and “cheery-o, old chap!” and all sorts of other stereotypical British stuff that I just made up. The other guy was much more of the American persuasion but still talked funny. Well, not really, but since I’m from the south I’m supposed to think that anybody who doesn’t say “y’all” every 5 minutes is one of them uppity yankees that thinks they’re better than us cause they can get Slurpees anytime they want.

That’s right. I had a triple decker conference call deal with Guise and Dan.

We talked for a LONG TIME…I’m talking like 4 hours or something and the conversation flowed like a perverse river into territories that would amaze and disturb those of the feint at heart. I honestly can’t be bothered to go into all of it here so I’ve come up with a device that’s more fun anyway. The following images represent topics that were discussed. I encourage everyone to use these images to concoct their own scenarios and discussions. Please supply them in the comments section. Bonus points are awarded for disturbing and uncomfortable imagery.

Buuut, we’re not done yet folks, cause there were other shenanigans afoot. Shifting gears now. The following has nothing to do with my call from above. On April 17th I received a very interesting text. It read exactly as follows:

Why i need to go with chelsey

That’s it, word for word. Why is this interesting? Because I have absolutely no idea who sent it or who Chelsey is. The area code was from Spartanburg (in the upstate of SC), which is where I’m from originally, but I didn’t recognize the number at all.

I didn’t respond right away, so after a few minutes Mystery Texter sent me something else. Well, I can’t resist a bit of fun. Oh, and I want to thank squee4242 for her moral support during this adventure. I was also texting with her in the beginning and she was prodding me on. So, if this ends up in disaster, I’d like to say she’s partially to blame. I’m now going to transcribe the rest of the conversation, starting with the next text. Everything you see here is recreated word for word, with the exact same misspellings, spacing, punctuation, and symbols.

Mystery Texter: Wats up so icy intertanment

(WTF???)

Me: Who’s this?
Mystery Texter: Brandon so icy intertanment
Me: Yeah. Right on.
Brandon: Right on wat so icy intertanment
Me: If that’s what you want to do.
Brandon: Wat i want to do so icy intertanment
Me: Chelsey said she wants to.

APRIL 18th:

Brandon: Hey you there single Man
Me: Yeah. What’s up?
Brandon: Shit just chillin. you. single Man

(I didn’t respond…fast forward a few hours later)

Brandon: Wats up $zone 6 east atlanta$

(I didn’t respond. At this point I’m thinking it’s been fun playing along but maybe I should stop stringing this guy on. Plus, who knows what in God’s name he’s going on about anyway? Maybe he’ll get the hint. I was wrong.)

APRIL 19th:

Brandon: $zone 6 east atlanta$

(I didn’t respond.)

APRIL 21st:

Brandon: Kelvin aint go do shit about it $zone 6 east atlanta$
Me: Kelvin can suck it.

OK, WHAT IN THE HELL WAS ALL THAT ABOUT???

I don’t know if “Brandon” wised up that he was talking to a complete stranger, or if my comment about Kelvin pissed him off cause I haven’t heard from him since. So, to further the experiment, just before I finish this up and hit “Publish”, I’m going to text him one more time. If any of you can tell me what in the hell any of the conversation was about, I would greatly appreciate it. While you’re making up stories about the pics above, feel free to offer your own interpretation of this week-long mystery, cause I’m totally lost here. So, like I said, I’m going to shoot him one more just for shits and giggles. I’ll let you kids know if I get a bite.

UPDATE: I’m about 2 seconds from hitting “Publish” and I just texted him: “You talk to Kelvin?”

No response. Maybe he’s moved on. I kind of hope not. I was starting to have fun. Maybe if I just send him some complete gibberish he’ll know what it means. Any suggestions?

2ND UPDATE: I just read back over all this and I just wanted to clarify something cause I don’t think I phrased it that well the first time. What I’m looking for, if you guys are interested, is some sort of story involving all the pics above. And for extra fun, go ahead and involve Brandon, Kelvin, and Chelsey while you’re at it. You know, now that we’ve all gotten to know them so well. The wackier, more offensive, and more disturbing the better. Make the comments section your creative canvas. Now, get to it!