Archive for April, 2009

Fun With Phones

Posted in Uncategorized on April 29, 2009 by DJ D

I guess I should say first off that before starting this, I responded to all the comments on the previous post first, so if you haven’t read any of that and want to, go ahead and check it out and come back. Don’t mind me. I’ll wait…

There. See, I do listen to what you people say. I want to give a special reassurance to Amy first off that I have not abandoned my readership. I suppose the least I could have done was to pop in and say something like “New Post. Well, It’s Better Than No New Post.”, but then people would have bitched that I didn’t respect them anymore and Amy and all her troll buddies would be coming up with parodies of sitcom theme songs involving me, and then saying all kinds of crazy talk about me passing the writing torch on to other people, and that the best days of this blog are behind it and all kinds of other nuttery.

No, not really. I just like to live in the delusion that this site actually is as relevant and beloved as that other site that has apparently been “abandoned.” But don’t even get me started on that soapbox.

But that’s not why you called. What’s all this about phones? Well, the other day I got an interesting call. A very different kind of call. One in which 2 people were on the other end. And one of them talked funny. He pronounced words with extra u’s in them, and said things like “‘ello guvnor” and “cheery-o, old chap!” and all sorts of other stereotypical British stuff that I just made up. The other guy was much more of the American persuasion but still talked funny. Well, not really, but since I’m from the south I’m supposed to think that anybody who doesn’t say “y’all” every 5 minutes is one of them uppity yankees that thinks they’re better than us cause they can get Slurpees anytime they want.

That’s right. I had a triple decker conference call deal with Guise and Dan.

We talked for a LONG TIME…I’m talking like 4 hours or something and the conversation flowed like a perverse river into territories that would amaze and disturb those of the feint at heart. I honestly can’t be bothered to go into all of it here so I’ve come up with a device that’s more fun anyway. The following images represent topics that were discussed. I encourage everyone to use these images to concoct their own scenarios and discussions. Please supply them in the comments section. Bonus points are awarded for disturbing and uncomfortable imagery.

boiled-peanuts

ccmm

pencil-fighting

colonoscopy

kryptonite1

sheep

child-beauty-pageant

Buuut, we’re not done yet folks, cause there were other shenanigans afoot. Shifting gears now. The following has nothing to do with my call from above. On April 17th I received a very interesting text. It read exactly as follows:

Why i need to go with chelsey

That’s it, word for word. Why is this interesting? Because I have absolutely no idea who sent it or who Chelsey is. The area code was from Spartanburg (in the upstate of SC), which is where I’m from originally, but I didn’t recognize the number at all.

I didn’t respond right away, so after a few minutes Mystery Texter sent me something else. Well, I can’t resist a bit of fun. Oh, and I want to thank squee4242 for her moral support during this adventure. I was also texting with her in the beginning and she was prodding me on. So, if this ends up in disaster, I’d like to say she’s partially to blame. I’m now going to transcribe the rest of the conversation, starting with the next text. Everything you see here is recreated word for word, with the exact same misspellings, spacing, punctuation, and symbols.

Mystery Texter: Wats up so icy intertanment

(WTF???)

Me: Who’s this?
Mystery Texter: Brandon so icy intertanment
Me: Yeah. Right on.
Brandon: Right on wat so icy intertanment
Me: If that’s what you want to do.
Brandon: Wat i want to do so icy intertanment
Me: Chelsey said she wants to.

APRIL 18th:

Brandon: Hey you there single Man
Me: Yeah. What’s up?
Brandon: Shit just chillin. you. single Man

(I didn’t respond…fast forward a few hours later)

Brandon: Wats up $zone 6 east atlanta$

(I didn’t respond. At this point I’m thinking it’s been fun playing along but maybe I should stop stringing this guy on. Plus, who knows what in God’s name he’s going on about anyway? Maybe he’ll get the hint. I was wrong.)

APRIL 19th:

Brandon: $zone 6 east atlanta$

(I didn’t respond.)

APRIL 21st:

Brandon: Kelvin aint go do shit about it $zone 6 east atlanta$
Me: Kelvin can suck it.

OK, WHAT IN THE HELL WAS ALL THAT ABOUT???

I don’t know if “Brandon” wised up that he was talking to a complete stranger, or if my comment about Kelvin pissed him off cause I haven’t heard from him since. So, to further the experiment, just before I finish this up and hit “Publish”, I’m going to text him one more time. If any of you can tell me what in the hell any of the conversation was about, I would greatly appreciate it. While you’re making up stories about the pics above, feel free to offer your own interpretation of this week-long mystery, cause I’m totally lost here. So, like I said, I’m going to shoot him one more just for shits and giggles. I’ll let you kids know if I get a bite.

UPDATE: I’m about 2 seconds from hitting “Publish” and I just texted him: “You talk to Kelvin?”

No response. Maybe he’s moved on. I kind of hope not. I was starting to have fun. Maybe if I just send him some complete gibberish he’ll know what it means. Any suggestions?

2ND UPDATE: I just read back over all this and I just wanted to clarify something cause I don’t think I phrased it that well the first time. What I’m looking for, if you guys are interested, is some sort of story involving all the pics above. And for extra fun, go ahead and involve Brandon, Kelvin, and Chelsey while you’re at it. You know, now that we’ve all gotten to know them so well. The wackier, more offensive, and more disturbing the better. Make the comments section your creative canvas. Now, get to it!

Somebody tell Nicholas Cage to put a frakkin’ hockey mask over Dr. Manhattan’s man-junk.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 4, 2009 by DJ D

I’m sure you’re wondering now what in God’s green earth that title means. Well, little birds, pull up a chair and I’ll tell you a story. Hey, you in the back, shut it…Can we continue? Thanks.

You see, after talking to the stupendously lovely Dio the other day and discussing vlogs, I got myself a plan. And that plan was to turn this post into my first ever vlog. Well, that didn’t quite work out cause my computer decided that after hooking up my webcam it would look at me and go, “Wha?…I don’t know what this is, George? What are you trying to do to me? Can you tell me the story about the bunnies again?”

Because my computer is a moron.

If you ever make one right decision in your life, make it this one: Stay away from anything remotely associated with Compaq. Yeah, Compost is more like it. From the day I got this piece of crap, it’s given me nothing but stress, worry, and headaches. To sum up my feelings toward this drain on my wallet, patience and sanity, I provide the following video. Just substitute “printer” for “PC”, and you’ll know exactly not only how I feel, but also what I have in store for this pile of electronic donkey-dung that I call my computer once I get a new one:

But, Deej, what does that have to do with Nicolas Cage messing around with glowing man-parts? I’m getting to that! And I thought I told you to shut it! Anyway, what I was going to discuss was not only the Friday the 13th review that was supposed to be written about (*cough*) aboutamonthandahalfago (*cough*), but also some other reviews I’ve been meaning to fire off too–such as Watchmen, the finale to Battlestar Galactica, and the new Nick Cage movie, Knowing, cause I saw that the other day. Sooo, since the vlog thing didn’t quite work out, I’m going to try to squeeze it aaaaalll into one big post here. I don’t think I’ll go quite into as much depth as I would have cause I just can’t be bothered to write that much about all of them, but we’ll see how it goes. I get a little long-winded sometimes, but I’ll try to dial it back a little. I should also mention that there will be spoilers! So tread lightly if you haven’t seen any of this stuff. And off we go…

First up, Watchmen.

Well, greater men than I have summed up what it was like to see what is arguably the greatest graphic novel of all time finally portrayed on the big screen. Alan Moore has said that it’s unfilmable, and I’m not sure that I disagree with that. It’s a LOT to try to capture in one movie, and I think it could have been easily broken up into a trilogy. I first bought the trade of it about 5 years ago and read it then, but it’s been so long that I had forgotten almost all of it, so this time I stayed up late for the 2 nights before I was going to see the movie reading it again. I’m glad I did, because I really got to see exactly how spot-on a lot of the interpretation was. Some of the dialogue was almost 99% exactly the same in some scenes, and a lot of the panels were recreated as shots in the movie. The 3 things I was most looking forward to in the movie were Rorschach of course, Dr. Manhattan, and The Squid. Well, “2 out of 3 ain’t bad”, as a fat, over the top, operatic singer named after a Sunday dinner dish once said.

Rorschach–I didn’t think they’d be able to find an actor that would actually be able to accurately portray Rorschach outside of the mask, mostly because those of you who’ve read the book know that he was one ugly dude, but I can definitely stand behind their choice. I mean, anyone can throw on that mask, say the lines in an ominous, gravely voice, and that would be that, but between the intensity, the crazy read hair, and his acting chops, Jackie Earl Haley did a great job. It’ll be interesting to see how he handles his next big role, I think I’ll go into that in the next post, which I might even fire off after I’m done with this one. We’ll see.

Dr. Manhattan–Not much I can complain about here. I always pictured his voice to be a lot more distant and cold than was in the movie, but Billy Crudup added a humanity and, for lack of a better word, softness to the role that I didn’t expect. All around I was really happy with the performance and the special effects of it with the exception of one thing.

One big, blue glowing thing.

I knew going in that I’d see it cause I read the book and it’s all over that, but it didn’t make it any less shocking and a bit distracting to see that nuclear knob just a’flappin’ in the breeze for a good chunk of the movie.

The Squid–There I am. Sitting in the theatre. Popcorn’s gone. Been there for the better part of 3 hours. Here comes the end. Ozymandias is telling his plan. In the book, this takes about 2 weeks cause he goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on…but they managed to condense it for the movie. There I am, waiting on the big moment. Aaaaany second now. And here it is. The climax…the explosion…the aftermath…and we’re cutting to the two news stand guys that have pretty much been cut out of the book so far–whatever, I’ll catch The Black Freighter cartoon later–and we’re getting our first glimpse!…any second now!…and it’s…

…nothing?

What!?? Just a big fucking explosion? That’s all we got??? No tentacles thrust through skyscrapers? No big gaping maul? No giant eye staring out at you…potentially made out of half a grape? What in the hell is this? I’ve been sitting here for nigh on 3 hours dodging Dr. Manhattan and his flapping blue dong of destruction for just a giant hole in the ground? You gotta be kidding me! But sure ’nuff. There ya go. Oh well, that aside, it was alright. Why, you say?

Silk Spectre boobies. Yep. Silk Spectre boobies. Didn’t quite make up for the lack of squid, but I’ll take it. Thank you, Zack Snyder.

Friday the 13th

Well, where do we start? Ok, I’m glad that we finally got a “scary” F13 movie again. Scarier than the last few in the series anyway. We got a lot of things I’ve been wanting to see for a while. Jason’s finally running around again and setting some creative traps instead of just slowly lumbering like a giant retarded linebacker. We got some good kills and got a good deal of gore, which I was looking forward to. There were a few references to the series that I was glad to see (although I would have liked to have seen more of that), and there were boobies, boobies, boobies.

The negatives?–Terrible, stereotypical character development. Instead of the sympathetic characters you saw in the original series (well, in the first 3 or 4 anyway), we get the dick, another dick (who for extra dickiness is rich and a total prick about it), his sweet girlfriend who you like and feel sorry for but still think is a complete idiot cause she’s with such a dick (Seriously ladies, what’s up with that? Just stop it), the pothead, the token black guy…who’s also a pothead, the nerdy guy, the sensitive hero guy who’s looking for his missing sister, and my favorite…the locals.

One of my favorite parts of slasher movies is “the creepy local”–that character who knows exactly what’s going down and is either wise enough to stay out of the killer’s way or is creepy enough to warn the idiot teenagers who he’s going to be killing in about half an hour. We got it in Part 3D (It’s in 3D people!…sort of) with the old man on the road who was waving his 3D eyeball around. It’s even better in the remake when the guy looking for his sister shows up at the old lady’s house and she just tells him matter of factly that the girl’s dead. There’s just something really eerie about the idea that there are people living in a town who know the evil in the town and will warn you to leave. It’s even creepier in situations like we saw in the TCM remake when the whole town was in on it. That’s one theme that scares me the most in horror movies–that whole idea that an entire community is in cahoots and it’s like the whole town just acts as one big trap to lure unsuspecting teenagers or other idiots. Except in this case it was pot. There are theories out there that Jason himself actually plants the pot to lure people there, but I refuse to believe it. I think it was the redneck out in the shed that’s selling it. Now whether Jason partakes every now and then after driving a machete through the top of a topless water-skiier’s head is another matter altogether. I don’t know what he does in his off hours, but somehow I doubt it involves sitting around and grooving out to The Doobie Brothers and eating pints of Cherry Garcia ice cream cause he’s had the munchies all day.

Oh, and I knew the sister wasn’t dead. I called that shit in the very beginning. If the movie has another flaw, I’d say that was it. I knew he had her hidden away somewhere. I didn’t expect her to die in the end, but I knew for sure she wasn’t dead in the beginning.

What else? The mask, of course. Looked good. It’s kind of hard to screw it up, although they came close a few times over the course of the original series. If you’re interested, there’s a great article over at Bloody-Disgusting (one of my fave sites on the net) that compares all the different masks we’ve seen through the course of the series. It’s interesting to see the evolution of it through the years. A warning though, if you haven’t seen the movies and don’t want anything spoiled for yourself–some stuff’s discussed in the article that gives away why the masks look the way they do and gives away some things pertaining to the plots, so be careful. Just another friendly public service announcement from your old buddy, Deej.

Of course the whole thing set up (in an homage sort of way) the possibility of a sequel. I’m sure we’ll be seeing it in no time. I’ll be right there to bitch about it as soon as it’s over. Oh well, could be worse. Could be Part 5. Oh lord.

The Battlestar Galactica Finale

(Like I said, if you haven’t watched BSG and are interested–I HIGHLY recommend it–or if you haven’t seen any of the last season yet, I’d stay away from this review. It’s super-spoilery, and if you know anything about BSG, it’s all about mystery and unanswered questions and I’m giving away a lot here. You’ve been warned.)

I can’t believe it’s all frakkin’ over. I first got hooked on this series when my cousin insisted that I borrow his VHS tapes that contained the first 2 seasons. He still records all his favorite shows onto VHS and has an enormous library of the stuff. I borrowed them and spent the next month or so watching 4 and 5 episodes at a time until I was completely caught up, just in time for Season 3 to start. By that point I was a certifiable BSG addict. It’s one of the few shows that has caused me to scream obscenities at the TV either in shock or frustration. It’s very “Lost” that way.

Once it was revealed that The Final Five were going to be revealed, that was it. I couldn’t stop the speculation. Then, once 4 of them were revealed, it drove me nuts. I was convinced it was Starbuck. I just knew that Starbuck was the Fifth. I hadn’t quite ruled out President Roslin, and I thought it would be cool if it was one of the Adamas cause you know you wouldn’t see that shit coming. All I knew was I wanted it to be someone I didn’t expect. Someone I never thought it could be in a million years. Someone who would…

Helen!? WTF???

NOOOOOO!!! I HATE Helen! Who DOESN’T hate Helen!? There is no way that skank is going to lead an entire race of artificial beings. No frakking way. But, there you are. Well, they succeeded in surprising me at least. I gotta say I really didn’t expect it. Of course all this stuff I’m talking about wasn’t technically in the last episode. I’m just summing up the last few leading up to the end. There were a lot of revelations along the way. One thing I would have liked to have seen but didn’t was an all out war between the skin jobs and the Centurions. There were hints that the Centurions were starting to get minds of their owns a while back and I would have loved to have seen them rise up and just start a revolution. Now there’s a civil war I can get behind. I never thought we’d see some of the stuff we did though–Saul Ty a Cylon, and shacking up with a Six? Humans and Cylons working side by side? If you had told me a lot of this stuff was going to happen back when I was watching the first season I would have thought you were crazy.

And what about Starbuck? For one episode there it looked like she was a zombie. I couldn’t figure out what was going on there, and turns out she’s some kind of angel? Shit blew my mind. My theory on Baltar and Six is that that they’re basically some sort of gods that get reborn every cycle, only they don’t necessarily know that that’s what they are. They eventually drift into those roles, but it’s not until the world comes to an end and they’re reborn that they realize their place in the whole thing. That’s why Baltar formed his little cult and became a sort of Christ-like figure. He was subconsciously becoming what he knew he was already. That was a cool way to end it though, with everything just starting all over again on present day Earth. A good send-off to the Galactica too, having it literally go off into the sun. I think overall the whole thing was a good conclusion to the series. It’s been one of my favorite things on television for the past few years and I’m really sad to see it go, but at least we’ve got Caprica coming up. I could honestly write an enormous post on just this subject where I’ve got MUCH more to say, and maybe later on I will, but I’m pretty tired right now and there’s more to discuss, so I’ll move on to…

Knowing

Nicolas Cage movies are one of my guilty pleasures. I’ll see just about anything he’s in no matter how hokey and ridiculous, and by “hokey and ridiculous” I’m not just talking about his hair. But I am glad we dodged the bullet of him almost playing Superman all those years ago. I don’t think I could have let that slide.

Knowing is a capable movie that actually was worth the ticket price. If you go see it for anything, go for the first action sequence alone. It’s several minutes long and involves a plane crash and is one continuous, impressive shot with no cuts at all. The sfx are some of the best you’re going to see of anything that’s out there right now, and it’s kind of an “oh shit” moment. Another comes later on involving a subway being derailed, and another involving a car accident toward the end. At times, Cage’s acting gets a little out of hand and just plain bad, but I can let it go. I know by now going into a Nicholas Cage movie to expect that. But, I keep coming back for more anyway. Don’t know why.

The premise was unexpected. By that I mean the whole alien/angel angle, and I honestly didn’t expect to see the “big end” happen. I figured he’d decipher everything and find a way to stop it, save the day, happy Hollywood ending, have a nice day. But no, we get to see the whole world perish in eternal flames, praise Jesus! And what an impressive shot that was, too.

Yeah, it won’t change your life, and it’s similar to a lot of things you’ve seen before, but if you haven’t seen it yet and you don’t feel too spoilerfied after reading this, then I suggest it. It’s definitely worth the ticket price for the big ‘sposions alone, and it’s the best thing I’ve seen Alex Proyas do since Dark City, which in my opinion is the BEST movie he’s ever made, and probably ever will make. (What, you thought I was actually going to say The Crow? Oh please. Even DJ “Dark Entries: Goth Radio” D outgrew that shit a long time ago.)

So there you have it folks, a whole slew of reviews that were supposed to be my first vlog, but didn’t because of the piece of crap I’m typing them on right now. I’ll leave you to discuss. Talk amongst yourselves. I’m going to bed, but before I do I’m stopping by that other site that we all know and love where some people can’t seem to handle it if they have to wait (gasp!) three or four weeks for new content to pour over. Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa….I’m glad my readership isn’t like that, or you’d all be screwed, as infrequently as I get around to updating this joint. Till next time…