Somebody tell Nicholas Cage to put a frakkin’ hockey mask over Dr. Manhattan’s man-junk.

I’m sure you’re wondering now what in God’s green earth that title means. Well, little birds, pull up a chair and I’ll tell you a story. Hey, you in the back, shut it…Can we continue? Thanks.

You see, after talking to the stupendously lovely Dio the other day and discussing vlogs, I got myself a plan. And that plan was to turn this post into my first ever vlog. Well, that didn’t quite work out cause my computer decided that after hooking up my webcam it would look at me and go, “Wha?…I don’t know what this is, George? What are you trying to do to me? Can you tell me the story about the bunnies again?”

Because my computer is a moron.

If you ever make one right decision in your life, make it this one: Stay away from anything remotely associated with Compaq. Yeah, Compost is more like it. From the day I got this piece of crap, it’s given me nothing but stress, worry, and headaches. To sum up my feelings toward this drain on my wallet, patience and sanity, I provide the following video. Just substitute “printer” for “PC”, and you’ll know exactly not only how I feel, but also what I have in store for this pile of electronic donkey-dung that I call my computer once I get a new one:

But, Deej, what does that have to do with Nicolas Cage messing around with glowing man-parts? I’m getting to that! And I thought I told you to shut it! Anyway, what I was going to discuss was not only the Friday the 13th review that was supposed to be written about (*cough*) aboutamonthandahalfago (*cough*), but also some other reviews I’ve been meaning to fire off too–such as Watchmen, the finale to Battlestar Galactica, and the new Nick Cage movie, Knowing, cause I saw that the other day. Sooo, since the vlog thing didn’t quite work out, I’m going to try to squeeze it aaaaalll into one big post here. I don’t think I’ll go quite into as much depth as I would have cause I just can’t be bothered to write that much about all of them, but we’ll see how it goes. I get a little long-winded sometimes, but I’ll try to dial it back a little. I should also mention that there will be spoilers! So tread lightly if you haven’t seen any of this stuff. And off we go…

First up, Watchmen.

Well, greater men than I have summed up what it was like to see what is arguably the greatest graphic novel of all time finally portrayed on the big screen. Alan Moore has said that it’s unfilmable, and I’m not sure that I disagree with that. It’s a LOT to try to capture in one movie, and I think it could have been easily broken up into a trilogy. I first bought the trade of it about 5 years ago and read it then, but it’s been so long that I had forgotten almost all of it, so this time I stayed up late for the 2 nights before I was going to see the movie reading it again. I’m glad I did, because I really got to see exactly how spot-on a lot of the interpretation was. Some of the dialogue was almost 99% exactly the same in some scenes, and a lot of the panels were recreated as shots in the movie. The 3 things I was most looking forward to in the movie were Rorschach of course, Dr. Manhattan, and The Squid. Well, “2 out of 3 ain’t bad”, as a fat, over the top, operatic singer named after a Sunday dinner dish once said.

Rorschach–I didn’t think they’d be able to find an actor that would actually be able to accurately portray Rorschach outside of the mask, mostly because those of you who’ve read the book know that he was one ugly dude, but I can definitely stand behind their choice. I mean, anyone can throw on that mask, say the lines in an ominous, gravely voice, and that would be that, but between the intensity, the crazy read hair, and his acting chops, Jackie Earl Haley did a great job. It’ll be interesting to see how he handles his next big role, I think I’ll go into that in the next post, which I might even fire off after I’m done with this one. We’ll see.

Dr. Manhattan–Not much I can complain about here. I always pictured his voice to be a lot more distant and cold than was in the movie, but Billy Crudup added a humanity and, for lack of a better word, softness to the role that I didn’t expect. All around I was really happy with the performance and the special effects of it with the exception of one thing.

One big, blue glowing thing.

I knew going in that I’d see it cause I read the book and it’s all over that, but it didn’t make it any less shocking and a bit distracting to see that nuclear knob just a’flappin’ in the breeze for a good chunk of the movie.

The Squid–There I am. Sitting in the theatre. Popcorn’s gone. Been there for the better part of 3 hours. Here comes the end. Ozymandias is telling his plan. In the book, this takes about 2 weeks cause he goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on…but they managed to condense it for the movie. There I am, waiting on the big moment. Aaaaany second now. And here it is. The climax…the explosion…the aftermath…and we’re cutting to the two news stand guys that have pretty much been cut out of the book so far–whatever, I’ll catch The Black Freighter cartoon later–and we’re getting our first glimpse!…any second now!…and it’s…

…nothing?

What!?? Just a big fucking explosion? That’s all we got??? No tentacles thrust through skyscrapers? No big gaping maul? No giant eye staring out at you…potentially made out of half a grape? What in the hell is this? I’ve been sitting here for nigh on 3 hours dodging Dr. Manhattan and his flapping blue dong of destruction for just a giant hole in the ground? You gotta be kidding me! But sure ’nuff. There ya go. Oh well, that aside, it was alright. Why, you say?

Silk Spectre boobies. Yep. Silk Spectre boobies. Didn’t quite make up for the lack of squid, but I’ll take it. Thank you, Zack Snyder.

Friday the 13th

Well, where do we start? Ok, I’m glad that we finally got a “scary” F13 movie again. Scarier than the last few in the series anyway. We got a lot of things I’ve been wanting to see for a while. Jason’s finally running around again and setting some creative traps instead of just slowly lumbering like a giant retarded linebacker. We got some good kills and got a good deal of gore, which I was looking forward to. There were a few references to the series that I was glad to see (although I would have liked to have seen more of that), and there were boobies, boobies, boobies.

The negatives?–Terrible, stereotypical character development. Instead of the sympathetic characters you saw in the original series (well, in the first 3 or 4 anyway), we get the dick, another dick (who for extra dickiness is rich and a total prick about it), his sweet girlfriend who you like and feel sorry for but still think is a complete idiot cause she’s with such a dick (Seriously ladies, what’s up with that? Just stop it), the pothead, the token black guy…who’s also a pothead, the nerdy guy, the sensitive hero guy who’s looking for his missing sister, and my favorite…the locals.

One of my favorite parts of slasher movies is “the creepy local”–that character who knows exactly what’s going down and is either wise enough to stay out of the killer’s way or is creepy enough to warn the idiot teenagers who he’s going to be killing in about half an hour. We got it in Part 3D (It’s in 3D people!…sort of) with the old man on the road who was waving his 3D eyeball around. It’s even better in the remake when the guy looking for his sister shows up at the old lady’s house and she just tells him matter of factly that the girl’s dead. There’s just something really eerie about the idea that there are people living in a town who know the evil in the town and will warn you to leave. It’s even creepier in situations like we saw in the TCM remake when the whole town was in on it. That’s one theme that scares me the most in horror movies–that whole idea that an entire community is in cahoots and it’s like the whole town just acts as one big trap to lure unsuspecting teenagers or other idiots. Except in this case it was pot. There are theories out there that Jason himself actually plants the pot to lure people there, but I refuse to believe it. I think it was the redneck out in the shed that’s selling it. Now whether Jason partakes every now and then after driving a machete through the top of a topless water-skiier’s head is another matter altogether. I don’t know what he does in his off hours, but somehow I doubt it involves sitting around and grooving out to The Doobie Brothers and eating pints of Cherry Garcia ice cream cause he’s had the munchies all day.

Oh, and I knew the sister wasn’t dead. I called that shit in the very beginning. If the movie has another flaw, I’d say that was it. I knew he had her hidden away somewhere. I didn’t expect her to die in the end, but I knew for sure she wasn’t dead in the beginning.

What else? The mask, of course. Looked good. It’s kind of hard to screw it up, although they came close a few times over the course of the original series. If you’re interested, there’s a great article over at Bloody-Disgusting (one of my fave sites on the net) that compares all the different masks we’ve seen through the course of the series. It’s interesting to see the evolution of it through the years. A warning though, if you haven’t seen the movies and don’t want anything spoiled for yourself–some stuff’s discussed in the article that gives away why the masks look the way they do and gives away some things pertaining to the plots, so be careful. Just another friendly public service announcement from your old buddy, Deej.

Of course the whole thing set up (in an homage sort of way) the possibility of a sequel. I’m sure we’ll be seeing it in no time. I’ll be right there to bitch about it as soon as it’s over. Oh well, could be worse. Could be Part 5. Oh lord.

The Battlestar Galactica Finale

(Like I said, if you haven’t watched BSG and are interested–I HIGHLY recommend it–or if you haven’t seen any of the last season yet, I’d stay away from this review. It’s super-spoilery, and if you know anything about BSG, it’s all about mystery and unanswered questions and I’m giving away a lot here. You’ve been warned.)

I can’t believe it’s all frakkin’ over. I first got hooked on this series when my cousin insisted that I borrow his VHS tapes that contained the first 2 seasons. He still records all his favorite shows onto VHS and has an enormous library of the stuff. I borrowed them and spent the next month or so watching 4 and 5 episodes at a time until I was completely caught up, just in time for Season 3 to start. By that point I was a certifiable BSG addict. It’s one of the few shows that has caused me to scream obscenities at the TV either in shock or frustration. It’s very “Lost” that way.

Once it was revealed that The Final Five were going to be revealed, that was it. I couldn’t stop the speculation. Then, once 4 of them were revealed, it drove me nuts. I was convinced it was Starbuck. I just knew that Starbuck was the Fifth. I hadn’t quite ruled out President Roslin, and I thought it would be cool if it was one of the Adamas cause you know you wouldn’t see that shit coming. All I knew was I wanted it to be someone I didn’t expect. Someone I never thought it could be in a million years. Someone who would…

Helen!? WTF???

NOOOOOO!!! I HATE Helen! Who DOESN’T hate Helen!? There is no way that skank is going to lead an entire race of artificial beings. No frakking way. But, there you are. Well, they succeeded in surprising me at least. I gotta say I really didn’t expect it. Of course all this stuff I’m talking about wasn’t technically in the last episode. I’m just summing up the last few leading up to the end. There were a lot of revelations along the way. One thing I would have liked to have seen but didn’t was an all out war between the skin jobs and the Centurions. There were hints that the Centurions were starting to get minds of their owns a while back and I would have loved to have seen them rise up and just start a revolution. Now there’s a civil war I can get behind. I never thought we’d see some of the stuff we did though–Saul Ty a Cylon, and shacking up with a Six? Humans and Cylons working side by side? If you had told me a lot of this stuff was going to happen back when I was watching the first season I would have thought you were crazy.

And what about Starbuck? For one episode there it looked like she was a zombie. I couldn’t figure out what was going on there, and turns out she’s some kind of angel? Shit blew my mind. My theory on Baltar and Six is that that they’re basically some sort of gods that get reborn every cycle, only they don’t necessarily know that that’s what they are. They eventually drift into those roles, but it’s not until the world comes to an end and they’re reborn that they realize their place in the whole thing. That’s why Baltar formed his little cult and became a sort of Christ-like figure. He was subconsciously becoming what he knew he was already. That was a cool way to end it though, with everything just starting all over again on present day Earth. A good send-off to the Galactica too, having it literally go off into the sun. I think overall the whole thing was a good conclusion to the series. It’s been one of my favorite things on television for the past few years and I’m really sad to see it go, but at least we’ve got Caprica coming up. I could honestly write an enormous post on just this subject where I’ve got MUCH more to say, and maybe later on I will, but I’m pretty tired right now and there’s more to discuss, so I’ll move on to…

Knowing

Nicolas Cage movies are one of my guilty pleasures. I’ll see just about anything he’s in no matter how hokey and ridiculous, and by “hokey and ridiculous” I’m not just talking about his hair. But I am glad we dodged the bullet of him almost playing Superman all those years ago. I don’t think I could have let that slide.

Knowing is a capable movie that actually was worth the ticket price. If you go see it for anything, go for the first action sequence alone. It’s several minutes long and involves a plane crash and is one continuous, impressive shot with no cuts at all. The sfx are some of the best you’re going to see of anything that’s out there right now, and it’s kind of an “oh shit” moment. Another comes later on involving a subway being derailed, and another involving a car accident toward the end. At times, Cage’s acting gets a little out of hand and just plain bad, but I can let it go. I know by now going into a Nicholas Cage movie to expect that. But, I keep coming back for more anyway. Don’t know why.

The premise was unexpected. By that I mean the whole alien/angel angle, and I honestly didn’t expect to see the “big end” happen. I figured he’d decipher everything and find a way to stop it, save the day, happy Hollywood ending, have a nice day. But no, we get to see the whole world perish in eternal flames, praise Jesus! And what an impressive shot that was, too.

Yeah, it won’t change your life, and it’s similar to a lot of things you’ve seen before, but if you haven’t seen it yet and you don’t feel too spoilerfied after reading this, then I suggest it. It’s definitely worth the ticket price for the big ‘sposions alone, and it’s the best thing I’ve seen Alex Proyas do since Dark City, which in my opinion is the BEST movie he’s ever made, and probably ever will make. (What, you thought I was actually going to say The Crow? Oh please. Even DJ “Dark Entries: Goth Radio” D outgrew that shit a long time ago.)

So there you have it folks, a whole slew of reviews that were supposed to be my first vlog, but didn’t because of the piece of crap I’m typing them on right now. I’ll leave you to discuss. Talk amongst yourselves. I’m going to bed, but before I do I’m stopping by that other site that we all know and love where some people can’t seem to handle it if they have to wait (gasp!) three or four weeks for new content to pour over. Whaaa, whaaa, whaaa….I’m glad my readership isn’t like that, or you’d all be screwed, as infrequently as I get around to updating this joint. Till next time…

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13 Responses to “Somebody tell Nicholas Cage to put a frakkin’ hockey mask over Dr. Manhattan’s man-junk.”

  1. Hmm, I haven’t seen any of those movies/tv shows you talked about (except for Office Space – hilarious) and now I don’t need to after reading your entry. As odd as it sounds, I like when people tell me the whole plot or story to a movie/show that I was never going to see because well, I was never going to go see it but this way I get to know everything that happens. Plus it somehow seems more entertaining than actually watching. So, thanks!

  2. I am the only person on this Earth that thought the ending of the movie was better than the ending of the GN. I mean…giant squid? Really?

    Overall though, I don’t really outright prefer the movie over the GN or vice versa. They’re both awesome. The movie is engaging and gets all the really important stuff in there, and the GN has all the important stuff plus TONS of detail.

    Oh, did you see Saturday Morning Watchmen? If not, then you need to right now. This is pretty funny too.

    Also, all I have to say about Nicolas Cage is OH GOD NOT THE BEES! THEY’RE IN MY EYES! AHHHHHH!

    • I’m in the pro-squid camp, myself and was really disappointed that it wasn’t there. I like to eat them and I like to see big ones in my movies. Oh, and I’m a big fan of hillbilly ones that live in the north Georgia mountains. Yes, I’m a Squidbillies fan. And I’ll shout it to the mountains.

      Saturday Morning Watchmen is pretty rad. Thanks for sharing that. I had totally forgot about it.

      Cage is one of my guilty pleasures. I never proclaimed the man was a great actor. Just an enjoyable one to watch…kind of for the same reason it’s fun to watch Jean Claude Van Damme.

  3. I came, I saw, I read.

    ‘Nuff said! 😉

  4. Wow, this is a long post! I’ll have to read it later. I’m not online much now. I’ll be back around a little more after I move. Just wanted to come by and say hi.

  5. I want to see Knowing really badly, but I’m not really a movie theater going kinda guy, so I’ll just wait for the DVD, or when it shows on tv. I’m a sucker for Nick Cage movies too, lol.

    • It’s worth the ticket price for the big ‘splosions, but if that ain’t your bag, then I understand. I’d be at the movies every day if I could. It’s one of my favoritist things to do in the whole world.

  6. I believe I can safely assume there were no boobies in Knowing, since you didn’t mention them. That was the only reason I was going to see it, and now I don’t have to. 😉

    Where are you? Are you dead? You better write something soon, or I am going to make a DJD version of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap and post it every few comments!

    • I assure you the boobie count in Knowing is 0.

      I am slowly coming back to life after suffering a bout of the world’s worst insomnia and what I’m assuming is the swine flu–or at least that’s what I’m calling it in order to garner more sympathy.

      Please don’t go all troll on me. The sad thing is Matt actually has an excuse. He has a big fancy-schmancy job. I’m unemployed and spend all my hours watching TV, updating Facebook every 5 minutes, and hitting refresh at X-E every 10. Bout time I got to writing.

  7. Bahhhhhhhhhhhh!

    Yesterday I was hit by an airplane.

    Look under my robe. You all have tender thies.

    Have a nice today.

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