Fun With Phones

I guess I should say first off that before starting this, I responded to all the comments on the previous post first, so if you haven’t read any of that and want to, go ahead and check it out and come back. Don’t mind me. I’ll wait…

There. See, I do listen to what you people say. I want to give a special reassurance to Amy first off that I have not abandoned my readership. I suppose the least I could have done was to pop in and say something like “New Post. Well, It’s Better Than No New Post.”, but then people would have bitched that I didn’t respect them anymore and Amy and all her troll buddies would be coming up with parodies of sitcom theme songs involving me, and then saying all kinds of crazy talk about me passing the writing torch on to other people, and that the best days of this blog are behind it and all kinds of other nuttery.

No, not really. I just like to live in the delusion that this site actually is as relevant and beloved as that other site that has apparently been “abandoned.” But don’t even get me started on that soapbox.

But that’s not why you called. What’s all this about phones? Well, the other day I got an interesting call. A very different kind of call. One in which 2 people were on the other end. And one of them talked funny. He pronounced words with extra u’s in them, and said things like “‘ello guvnor” and “cheery-o, old chap!” and all sorts of other stereotypical British stuff that I just made up. The other guy was much more of the American persuasion but still talked funny. Well, not really, but since I’m from the south I’m supposed to think that anybody who doesn’t say “y’all” every 5 minutes is one of them uppity yankees that thinks they’re better than us cause they can get Slurpees anytime they want.

That’s right. I had a triple decker conference call deal with Guise and Dan.

We talked for a LONG TIME…I’m talking like 4 hours or something and the conversation flowed like a perverse river into territories that would amaze and disturb those of the feint at heart. I honestly can’t be bothered to go into all of it here so I’ve come up with a device that’s more fun anyway. The following images represent topics that were discussed. I encourage everyone to use these images to concoct their own scenarios and discussions. Please supply them in the comments section. Bonus points are awarded for disturbing and uncomfortable imagery.








Buuut, we’re not done yet folks, cause there were other shenanigans afoot. Shifting gears now. The following has nothing to do with my call from above. On April 17th I received a very interesting text. It read exactly as follows:

Why i need to go with chelsey

That’s it, word for word. Why is this interesting? Because I have absolutely no idea who sent it or who Chelsey is. The area code was from Spartanburg (in the upstate of SC), which is where I’m from originally, but I didn’t recognize the number at all.

I didn’t respond right away, so after a few minutes Mystery Texter sent me something else. Well, I can’t resist a bit of fun. Oh, and I want to thank squee4242 for her moral support during this adventure. I was also texting with her in the beginning and she was prodding me on. So, if this ends up in disaster, I’d like to say she’s partially to blame. I’m now going to transcribe the rest of the conversation, starting with the next text. Everything you see here is recreated word for word, with the exact same misspellings, spacing, punctuation, and symbols.

Mystery Texter: Wats up so icy intertanment


Me: Who’s this?
Mystery Texter: Brandon so icy intertanment
Me: Yeah. Right on.
Brandon: Right on wat so icy intertanment
Me: If that’s what you want to do.
Brandon: Wat i want to do so icy intertanment
Me: Chelsey said she wants to.

APRIL 18th:

Brandon: Hey you there single Man
Me: Yeah. What’s up?
Brandon: Shit just chillin. you. single Man

(I didn’t respond…fast forward a few hours later)

Brandon: Wats up $zone 6 east atlanta$

(I didn’t respond. At this point I’m thinking it’s been fun playing along but maybe I should stop stringing this guy on. Plus, who knows what in God’s name he’s going on about anyway? Maybe he’ll get the hint. I was wrong.)

APRIL 19th:

Brandon: $zone 6 east atlanta$

(I didn’t respond.)

APRIL 21st:

Brandon: Kelvin aint go do shit about it $zone 6 east atlanta$
Me: Kelvin can suck it.


I don’t know if “Brandon” wised up that he was talking to a complete stranger, or if my comment about Kelvin pissed him off cause I haven’t heard from him since. So, to further the experiment, just before I finish this up and hit “Publish”, I’m going to text him one more time. If any of you can tell me what in the hell any of the conversation was about, I would greatly appreciate it. While you’re making up stories about the pics above, feel free to offer your own interpretation of this week-long mystery, cause I’m totally lost here. So, like I said, I’m going to shoot him one more just for shits and giggles. I’ll let you kids know if I get a bite.

UPDATE: I’m about 2 seconds from hitting “Publish” and I just texted him: “You talk to Kelvin?”

No response. Maybe he’s moved on. I kind of hope not. I was starting to have fun. Maybe if I just send him some complete gibberish he’ll know what it means. Any suggestions?

2ND UPDATE: I just read back over all this and I just wanted to clarify something cause I don’t think I phrased it that well the first time. What I’m looking for, if you guys are interested, is some sort of story involving all the pics above. And for extra fun, go ahead and involve Brandon, Kelvin, and Chelsey while you’re at it. You know, now that we’ve all gotten to know them so well. The wackier, more offensive, and more disturbing the better. Make the comments section your creative canvas. Now, get to it!

16 Responses to “Fun With Phones”

  1. You know I was in on that conversation and I’m STILL disturbed by those images! I’m just glad you couldn’t find images for all the topics we covered because…well some of them would just have been too disturbing for words!!!

    Let me know if you her back from Brandon, fool owes me $10!!

    • Brandon dropped off the face of the earth, or is just ignoring me. I guess he wised up. Too bad. I was looking forward to what I’m sure was going to be a completely stupid friendship predicated on lies, that would eventually end in a complete mess once I managed to ruin a few marriages and business relationships all from the safety of my cell phone.

  2. I want to marry Brandon. Kelvin will be our best single Man. so icy intertainment.

  3. Still no word back from Brandon. I’ll keep everyone posted.

    I just added a 2ND UPDATE paragraph. Check it out.

  4. Fourth picture down. Never leaving my brain. Can’t think of story. Ever.

    Also, are there comments you deleted in your last post or am I missing something big that apparently involves an asshole version of myself?

    • You know Amy I was a part of this conversation and I could fill you in but honestly at this point your better off not knowing.This was Deej and Guise after all, I was just the innocent by-stander in the conversation.

    • Anybody seen Amy’s asshole version of herself? Dammit! I told you guys not to leave the door open!

  5. One day, the Mad Hatter was sitting beneath a mushroom puffing on a large hooka. He had earned this respite after a particularly taxing morning. First he had woken to a rather uncomfortable “snuffling” sound from under his bed coat. Peeling back the covers, he discovered his friend the Door Mouse emerging from his favorite hiding hole – the fuzzy orifice between the Hatter’s cheeks.

    “Good morning” said the Hatter to his little friend.

    “And a fine one it is.”

    “I hope you were comfortable in their overnight…” plied the Hatter.

    “Indeed I was. My stay was made all the more grand due to the snacks you left me within. I’m referring to the strange fleshy nuts a foot or two up.”

    The Hatter thought and thought, yet despite all hope he could not remember inserting anything besides the Door Mouse. “I know not of these treats to which you refer, my friend. Perhaps you could regurgitate some bits for me to try?”

    After a bit of coughing and sputtering, the Door Mouse produced a few white crumbs. He presented them to the Hatter with little fanfare. The Hatter jumped up in horror as the bits touched his palm. A glow ran up his arm and quickly spread out to all his limbs. The Door Mouse covered his eyes and tried to block the screams of his friend and only love. Slowly the screams were replaced with a heavy sighing and heaving and the air was filled with a barnyard musk.

    Expecting to see the Mad Hatter before him, the Door Mouse was surprised to instead find a finely sheared sheep – though this was no ordinary sheep. The sheep was dressed in a tightly fitted blue sequin dress and had a matching blue bow tied into the wispy curls between its pointed ears.

    “What has happened?” said the shocked Door Mouse, not expecting any answer.

    “Maaaa worst Naaaahtmare…” muttered the sheep in it’s bleeting speech. “Thaaaat was no nut. Thaaaat was Red K! Red K from the Laaaand of Icy Intertanment. Meeeeeeeehhh!”

    “Is that you, Hatter?” inquired the Door Mouse.

    “It is I” he answered. “Door Mouse? I need your help.”

    “Anything you ask” replied the mouse. His love ran deeper than perhaps the Hatter knew – and he would do anything to return him to his fair former self.

    “I must go to battle. Help me fluff my ‘pencil” my dear friend – as stiff as can be! This will be a duel for the antidote to my condition!!”

    “Where must we go?” the Door Mouse asked sheepishly (no pun intended).

    “Zone 6 east atlanta” was the cryptic answer.

    To be continued?

  6. kittymao Says:

    *shakes head*

    Wow. I wish I could have heard that conversation.

    The rat in the tunnel is vage and yet a bit frightening.

    But then again, so is martin short as the mad hatter.

    • One of the best bits that I didn’t mention was Guise trying to “talk gangsta.” There’s something about the mixture of his deadpan delivery dressed up in a British accent that made him sound like the whitest man on the planet. Dan and I were in stitches. As for the Martin Short thing, that pic is there to represent an actual person, but you’ll have to ask Dan about that one. It’s a story in and of itself and I’m not even touching it. All you need to know is that it involves libraries and the type of guy that’s required by court order to introduce himself to all his neighbors whenever he moves to a new neighborhood.

      • Trust me, I don’t just sound like the whitest man on the planet – in California I looked like someone had put milk in the soda aisle. Other than on the day that I almost died!!!

        Oh, and that isn’t just representing a man. That’s representing a superhero. CMM!

      • Only you really don’t want to be the damsel, or dude, in distress when CMM is out on the prowl.

      • kittymao Says:

        Ohh… yeah! I read that… *shivers*

        The fun of local looneys, huh?

  7. LOL OMG You’re all white as shit, hahahahaha.
    Well, this happens sometimes. Lines get crossed or whatever. I’ve gotten text messages from some loser ass single mom in West Virginia, talking all this BOOOOOORING stuff about her boring kids to some other boring person in boring West Virginia.
    So Icy Entertainment is a rap label, I guess Gucci Mane is the CEO and main artist, along with other artists, like Wacka Flocka Flame. So Icy eludes to the fact that they got a lot of diamonds, which look like ice.
    Oh, and it’s useage in the text is simply as a “signature”. Like how white people always try to say something profound or put some quote from some old, pretentious philosopher? Well black people from the hood just put their favorite rap shout out.
    Zone 6 is the section in Atlanta, like how in DC and NOLA we have “wards”. East Atlanta is where Gucci Mane is from, the CEO of So Icy ENT. Oh, and Brenden or whoever just can’t spell.
    Oh, and I don’t have a fun story involving that pedophile’s dream and the bamma on your cell phone. But that is really a disturbing picture. I googled “child beauty pageants pictures” and this is where it brought me. I was just following up on the’s FAIL picture of some ugly pageant girls. But I had to offer that moment of clarity to you. You’re welcome.

    Thank you so very much. Check out my most recent post. Your hard work has been rewarded.

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