Where’s the Beef?

So I made some hamburgers the other day. Anybody else see a problem here?


Yeah, my burger to bun ratio might be a little off there.

So I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to do the cliche blog thing and put the “Where’s the beef?” Wendy’s commercial in, all embedded and such. Well, you’re out of luck. Ain’t going to happen. What do you think this is, amateur hour?


What else…oh, a lot’s happened since we last talked. Sorry if anyone was jilted at The Deejies. The award committee is a fickle bunch. Maybe next year.

So a few weeks ago I was sicker than I’ve been in years…just miserable, hacking cough, not keeping food down, wheezing, sore all over, terrible, terrible sick. I’m all better now, but I spent one of those days helping my dad move. I’d felt bad if I had bailed on him because I promised him I would and he really didn’t have anyone else to do it, so I suffered my way through it.

Anyway, after it was over, we went out to this little general store type place up the road from his new house because they served hot dogs in there and he recommended it. As we were walking in, I saw THIS posted up outside:


Somebody want to explain to me what in the hell a “Fast Growing Kitten” is? Is this some genetically engineered Cylon cat that’s going to infiltrate the regular cat population in a sci-fi plot to take over the world? As if you hadn’t guessed, he moved kind out out in the sticks. Some weeeiiird stuff goes down in the country, man.

What else we got? I’m firing this one off kind of quick this morning because I’ve actually stayed up all night at this point and it’s almost 7:00am as I type this. I’ve got to get to bed soon because I may or may not be driving out of town later to see my family for the weekend. Haven’t decided yet. So, if this is particularly even MORE rambling than usual, it’s the lack-of-sleep-delirium talking.

Oh yeah, since we last talked one third of the entire entertainment industry died. Yeah, they’re dropping like flies. I’m really bummed that this is officially now a world without Michael Jackson. I don’t care what anyone says about him. Like Dave Chappelle once said, the man made Thriller. For that alone I can forgive any alleged kiddie-diddlin’ on his part. Hell, as long as as he’s passing out settlements outside of court, he could have diddled me.

I mean, he made Thriller, people.


So, yeah. The world’s going to hell. Everybody’s dying and now we got Mark Sanford once again bringing shame down upon South Carolina. Joining a long list of things that we’re already embarrassed about…lessee…we had slavery, the Confederate flag flying atop the capitol, Susan Smith, Strom Thurmond, Hootie and the Blowfish, Matchbox 20, at least one cast member of The Real World, and now this jackass. I never liked the guy anyway. He came into my office years ago when I worked at the SC Film Commission and rubbed me the wrong way even back then. For those of you reading this outside of SC (i.e. everyone), in case you’re wondering, he wasn’t exactly liked here anyway, even before the scandal. I’m almost glad it happened though. Now we might actually be rid of him.

But, to try to save a little face and put the The Palmetto State in a better light, I’ve put together a little list of things that SC has produced that we’re actually pretty proud of. So, here we go:

myrtle beach

Myrtle Beach–This one’s kind of a weird one because while people all over the east coast go there to vacation and think it’s great, people actually in SC refer to it as “The Redneck Riviera”. We go there every summer, but don’t really see what the big deal is. Same as anywhere else, though. I’m sure people who live near Disneyland are pretty blah about it and sick of the tourists, while the rest of the world thinks it’s amazing.



sweet tea

Sweet Tea (yeah!)

blue sky

Blue skies, mountains, and beaches–Yeah, I know you can get that anywhere, but if you can get past the searing, 96 degree summers, this IS a really beautiful place to live.

andrew jackson

Andrew Jackson

Andie MacDowell

Andie MacDowell (Hotness!)

Leeza Gibbons

Leeza Gibbons

Eartha Kitt

Eartha Kitt


Shawnee Smith (Double Hotness!)

vannah white

Vannah White

stephen colbert

Stephen Colbert

Peaches–I know, Georgia gets all the credit, but SC actually produces more of them. Plus, GA doesn’t have this sumbitch:

gaffney peach

Traveling south on I-85 toward Gaffney (where Andie MacDowell is from) you get this sight. A 150 foot tall peach shaped water tower, technically named Peachoid, but us locals just call it “The Peach.” A trip along I-85 wouldn’t be the same without getting mooned by The Peach there. It’s perverted. It’s uncomfortable, and it’s freaking huge. I love it. I’ve actually urinated on it, but that’s a story for another day.

Couple more things I wanted to discuss. Oh, there’s this bird that’s been hanging around my place. It hung around last summer too, only it’s kind of creepy. It’s hard to tell in the pic, but it’s actually perched on the inside of the awning above my porch. I come out sometimes and there it is, with it’s back turned to me, all Blair Witch and stuff…


And sometimes it switches porches. I’ve got the same kind of awning on the back porch too, and sometimes I’ll see it there, right in front of me when I open the back door, back turned to me. I’m pretty certain it’s some sort of omen. Maybe it’s got something to do with those fast growing cats. Exactly what was in those hot dogs anyway?

In other news…

Hey, guess what I did a couple of days ago…

GB small

Wait…what’s all this now?

GB medium

Izzat what I think it is? It looks like it could be…no, it can’t be…it’s a, it’s…

GB big


Yep, couldn’t believe it. I was looking at the movie listings just for the heck of it the other day and I saw that a theater in town was showing some random, one-time-only showing of Ghostbusters at the ungodly hour of 10:00 in the morning on Wednesday. Now, considering that as I type this it is now AFTER 7:00am, and I’ve been up since YESTERDAY morning, I’m not exactly a morning person. But this was worth it. So, after being all excited and going to bed at like 6:00am on Wednesday morning, I set my alarm and got up like 3 hours later and went and saw Ghostbusters. Of course even though I’ve seen it a million times and can quote like every line, I’d never seen it on the big screen. It was an amazing way to spend the morning. If I could do something like this every morning, I’d get a lot more done in life.

The other thing I know is, after all these years…I’m still scared s**tless of this:

library ghost

I’m sorry, but “Where’s the beef?” just never stops being funny.

23 Responses to “Where’s the Beef?”

  1. Found on a superstition website: “A bird in the house means death”

    So I guess a bird camped out on a part of your house means a bad cold.

    That he shuns you, though… that I think is personal. Or he resents his job as bad omen and would rather be the blue bird of happiness or a sports team mascot.

    Disgruntled omen bird.


    • That would explain my cold a few weeks ago. Or, maybe he is on the job and just waiting for the chance to slip into the house when I’m not looking. I gotta start remembering to keep my windows closed.

      This disgruntled theory worries me though. What if he just snaps one day down at the office and takes out all the other omens? That stuff happens in the omen world, you know. It’s a high pressure job. There’s a lot of traveling. You’ve got deadlines to meet. Not every bird’s cut out for it.

  2. I want a fast growing kitten. Cuz they apparently won’t be kittens for long, and I won’t have to worry about their loud, annoying meows for milk and crap. Unless fast-growing means they’re gonna grow bigger than me. If so, no thanks.

  3. I would love to see Ghostbusters on the big screen. What a classic. I wonder if the third will be any good.

    • I really hope so. Yeah, seeing it that way was was pretty awesome. It would have been a little more fun if I had some company, but it was hard to convince anyone who wasn’t actually at work to go to the movies at 10:00am.

  4. Speaking of Stephen Colbert AND SC, on his twitter, he declared as SC Governor, he’s changing the state bird to the Tootsie Pop Owl: https://twitter.com/StephenAtHome/status/2305421469

    • I’m just going to take your word for it. I have decided out of protest to refuse to look at Twitter. I want nothing to do with it.

  5. I can only imagine what sort of omen it would be if the Tootsie Pop Owl camped out on your porch – let alone if he shunned you while doing so.

    But if he speaks

    “Ah one…
    Two hoooo…

    He may at least answer some questions for you. Or just snag your shit and eat it.


  6. I would want a slow growing kitten. Do they make those? Kittens are so dang cute when they are tiny. I mean, they’re fine when they get big. But they are big for almost all their lives, why rush it? 😉

  7. I’m totally bummed about Michael Jackson’s death too. He was a musical genius and his music will live on forever. I don’t believe he ever touched a kid. These kids were pushed by there parents to lie and take advantage of a famous and yet naive person. He was an easy target and it’s unfortunate people tried to make a buck at his expense. I’ve been listening to all my MJ albums since his passing. I’m glad I still have all those. Hopefully he can finally rest in peace. I tried to get tickets to his memorial service here, but I wasn’t one of the lucky 8,750 to win. Although 1.7 million people registered so my odds were pretty bad. I’ll just have to watch the live stream instead.

    Anyways, awesome on seeing Ghostbusters on the big screen! That sounds like it was cool. I may have actually dragged myself to the theatre for something like that…and you know how I dislike going to movie theatres!

    • Well, where were you then? Looks like you missed the boat on that one.

      • Where was I on what? The MJ tickets?? It was a random selection and I was emailed yesterday that I was not one of the lucky ones picked. Oh, well. 😦

  8. So your hamburger issue… I was going to say, “pickles and fry sauce”. Didn’t even notice the dwarf-sized meat patty. I actually did see Ghostbusters on the big screen when it came out in 1984. I was only 11 so I didn’t think it was as funny as I do now. Not too sure that a third installment is a good idea, though (guess Dan Akroyd’s career could use a push).

    P.S. You forgot Strom Thurmond. He was a winner if ever there was one.

    • Hey, thanks for stopping by! No, I don’t really like pickles. Never have. I’m looking forward to a third movie, but worried about who they’re going to cast for these younger guys that are supposed to be in. I don’t like most of young Hollywood these days. As long as they stay away from Seth Rogan and his crowd as well as Shia TheBeef, I’ll be fine.

      I’m pretty sure I mentioned Strom. He’s hard to forget. I met him once when I was 17. I asked him a question about term limits and he rambled on with some answer that had nothing to do with it, and then the two girls who were basically holding him up pulled him away from me.

      DC: I meant where were you when I needed someone to see Ghostbusters with. I was under the assumption that you were to be here at my beck and call. Perhaps we should discuss our arrangement. And don’t give me that, “Oh, I live so far away” jive either. It’s called Priceline.com, woman. If it’s good enough for Captain Kirk, it’s good enough for you.

      Sorry about the MJ thing.

  9. I used to see Strom when I covered hearings and mark-ups on the Hill. Towards the end, someone died the man’s hair Ronald McDonald red and he was basically comatose. They’d wheel him in, smelling of formaldehyde, right before a vote and when his name was called you heard a whisper, “Say ‘yes’ or ‘no'”. Then Strom would give the answer Republicans were looking for and they’d wheel him back to the lab (I suppose).

    And the Seth Rogan crowd… that’s your ONLY issue with young Hollywood these days? I just left Hollywood and it’s pretty messed up. I bet you’re a Miley Cyrus fan, aren’t you???

    • That doesn’t surprise me at all. I say good riddance to the old bastard.

      Trust me, that’s NOT my only issue. He and Shia are just the 2 that automatically pop in my mind when I think of people that are overexposed these days. But I’d also put Miley in that category. I think just about the only thing she ever had to offer was her kid-star appeal, but that’s fading fast the older she gets. I don’t see any real talent there. I’m sure there’s somebody at Playboy right now with a “Countdown To Miley’s 18th B-Day” calendar on their wall.

      Yeah, that paycheck’s already made out.

  10. Where have I been? I like your bird.

  11. ilovejunk Says:

    SWEET TEA MOTHERFUCKERS YEAH. I cannot ever get my non-Southern friends to understand the importance of sweet tea. They live under the seriously dangerous delusion that bottled Lipton and Nestea crap is acceptable. They also think it is acceptable to just add teaspoons of sugar to unsweetened, already-cold tea. It just doesn’t work that way!

    Also, holy crap, Susan Smith. I had forgotten all about her. You just sent me right back to the 90s with that one. I had to Google to make sure I was remembering the right person. I took ballet lessons in 1995, and I remember there was a girl named Susan Smith in my class, and we used to tease her. She was a pretty good sport about it considering we were associating her with someone who murdered her own kids.

    And as far as I’m concerned there will never be a world without Michael Jackson, just like my mom is singlehandedly ensuring there will never be a world without Elvis. You can never truly be gone when you have fangirls. (Incidentally, since the whole fangirl thing seems to run in my family, I really hope some new awesomely awesome musician steps up by the time I have kids. I’d hate to see my kids develop a lifelong obsession with the likes of Nick Jonas or something. Only legends are good enough for my family, dammit.)

    • “They also think it is acceptable to just add teaspoons of sugar to unsweetened, already-cold tea. It just doesn’t work that way!”

      Uh, no…No, no, no. There are some things you just don’t go half-assed with, and sweet tea is one of them.

      Yeah, good ole Susan Smith. My uncle was a state trooper at the time of her trial and he was one of the guys that escorted her in and out of the courtroom at times. They had her in a bullet-proof vest because of fears that someone would try to take her out. I say they should have just put her in the back of a car and pushed it in the lake.

      Yeah, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea of a world without Michael Jackson. I worry for the generation coming up behind me. I recently gave my little cousin a mix-CD of a bunch of stuff that I knew she had never heard before, like The Pixies and Tori Amos and stuff like that. I’m afraid all she’ll ever know is Fall Out Boy and (shudder) Nickleback.

      No cousin of mine! Not while I can do something about it!

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