You know what the best thing about Target is? You might be thinking it’s the Halloween sales. Nope. It’s the after Halloween sales. Last year, I racked up. Fifty percent off here. Seventy-five off there. I kept saying I was going to write a blog post about the haul I got, but never got round to it. Well, here we are. It’s now or never. I wait much longer, and I’ll have another haul of Halloween goodness backed up. Besides, I gotta get a jump on it before Bill gets jacked up on soda and beer in a few weeks and starts carving up stuff. So let this officially usher in DJ D’s Halloween Celebration!
Last year I snagged 3 4-packs of Jones Soda in 3 different Halloween flavors. I’ve honestly never even tasted Jones Soda before, but thanks to X-E, I’m now at least familiar with it. So, while Matt’s out hiking in the Appalachian trail or wherever the hell he is, I’m gonna do my part to bring a little darkness into all of our lives. Tis the season. So, I present to you, utilizing 3 cans of soda that have been sitting in the back of my fridge for a year, waiting for just this moment…
The Halloween Jones Soda Taste Test!
1) First up, Candy Corn!
As you can see, I’m utilizing my trusty Batman glass mug. I got this sumbitch at The Heroes Con in Charlotte last year and surprisingly haven’t used it that much. I kind of save it for special occasions. And by special, I mean doing silly things to novelty sodas.
The first thing I notice here is the smell. As soon as I turn the mug up and stick my face in it to get my first taste, I’m assaulted with the smell of some INTENSE vanilla. And now the taste test…
That, ahem, tastes absolutely nothing like candy corn. And I like candy corn. This filth tastes like a combination of old vanilla flavoring and what I can only imagine is what happens when the werewolf on the can burps in your face while shoving a Werther’s Original down your throat. Funnily enough, a quick scan of the ingredients tells us that vanilla flavoring isn’t even an ingredient. Could have fooled me. This is proof that werewolves + candy corn don’t always = success. Unless this is actually some secret formula concocted in Lon Chaney’s basement that will result in me actually turning into a werewolf, I want nothing else to do with it.
Hey, speaking of werewolves, you know what I’m jazzed about? This!
Quick rant on it though. They got Rick Baker to do the sfx. Rick-An American Werewolf in London-Baker. One of the biggest sfx geniuses to ever walk this earth, and the master of werewolf effects. But what do they do? Cover a big chunk of his work up with cgi. It’s fucking sacrilege, dammit! That’s like getting Rembrandt to do a painting for you, and saying, “You know what, this is great and all, but I think it could use some Photoshop. You don’t mind, do you?” I’m not saying that cgi werewolf transformations are always bad but…no, you know what, that IS what I’m saying. With the exception of some of the stuff in the Underworld movies, I’ve yet to see one that didn’t look like a ridiculously shitty cartoon that was far inferior in realism to anything that was done in American Werewolf and The Howling, both of which came out OVER 20 YEARS AGO. I’ve been a huge gorehound since I was a kid. When I was in high school I even sent off for admission information to the Joe Blasco School of Makeup Effects in Florida. I gave some serious consideration to going into makeup effects and prosthetics as a living. I would make my own werewolf makeup and appliances for Halloween when I was a little kid and Rick Baker was one of my heroes. I’m of the school that if it can be done practically, it should. Unfortunately, shitty, low budget cgi has really hurt the art form in the last decade or so.
I’m still looking forward to it though. Of all the classic Universal monsters, werewolves have always been my favorite. I know vampires are supposed to be the coolest, but fuck that. Cool? Yes. No doubt. But scary? No way. And in my heart and house, scary trumps cool every time.
2) Next up, Spooookiwi!
First off, the color of it is actually much more green than what you’re getting in the picture. It actually looks something like a cross between Sierra Mist and antifreeze. Ok, let’s go. The smell is a LOT nicer. Really fruity. The taste…SCORE! I think we have a winner, folks! Yeah, this is good stuff. I’m sipping in between sentences here. It does taste like kiwi, but also kind of tastes like any green citrusy soda in the Sierra Mist vein. I’m digging it. Oh, btw, the name actually does have 4 “o”s in it. I wasn’t embellishing for effect there. Although, I think Frankiwi would have been better. I’ll let it slide. That candy corn crap didn’t have a fancy pun name, so I’m not asking for one here.
3) Lastly, the big finale…Buried Pomegranate!
Oddly, this is my favorite name of the three. Spooookiwi’s cool and all, but they put some thought into Buried Pomegranate. This shit is from the grave. In keeping with the classic Universal Monsters tradition (enforced in badass manner by The Monster Squad), Dracula is the leader of the gang here. The pic once again isn’t a good representation of the actual color of the stuff. It looks kind of brown here, but it’s actually more of a pinkish-purplish hue. I was hoping for something more along the lines of a deep blood red, but I’ll take this.
I’m particularly looking forward to this one because this will officially be my first exposure to pomegranate. Granted, it’s actually “real and artificial flavors”, but that’s good enough for me. I’ve never eaten a pomegranate, never drank a pomegranate soda (Can somebody seriously hook a brother up with some Pom 7Up? They don’t distribute it down here)…in fact this is the first time I’ve ever laid eyes on anything of the pomegranate persuasion. So, without further ado, I’m going to break my pom cherry…sort of.
Smells really nice. Really fruity. Woah! I got dizzy there! I’m not joking. That shit is strong! It actually reminds me a little of Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash, but it’s got this other kick to it, like this weird biting aftertaste. Interesting. I really want some Pom 7Up now. I can see that being great for Christmas.
So, that’s that. The verdict? Spooookiwi wins by a neck bolt. Ironic, since he’s my least favorite of these 3 monsters. Now, if there was a zombie one, that would be something. Grape From the Grave!
I’m off now to throw up 24 oz of sugar, fructose corn syrup, and artificial flavors. The things I do for you people…