It took me a little longer to get to this than I would have liked, but that’s an old song that gets sung too much round these parts. I spent most of last week upstate doing family stuff–took my little cousin out to dinner for her 18th b-day (awwww)–and just got back in the other day. I’m firing this one off tonight because I’ll be driving back up there tomorrow to do the whole thing again this weekend, this time for the aformentioned cousin’s mother. Birthdays abound!…Not to mention a certain someone who shall remain nameless who has one coming up 2 days after All Hallows Eve…(*coughmecough*).
But tonight kids, we’ve got more tales from last year’s Halloween Target haul. Last time it was soda, and now it’s all the other treats that have been slowly rotting like a forgotten punkin in the back of my kitchen cabinets for the past 12 months.
Well, all except for the first thing. This one is actually something recent. I mentioned the other day that I snagged some Halloween Oreos!
Well, they’re all IN MAH BELLEH now. They came in 5 different Boo-Rific designs, as it says right there on the package–ghost, punkin, witch, cat, and bats. Guess which was my favorite.
Did you even need to guess?
Next up is the Jelly Belly Fall Festival Mix!.
If you don’t believe me in my claims that this stuff is over a year old, check it out.
Best Before July 20, 2008. Candy corn is immortal though, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Let’s take a look inside. I’ll show you a good representation of all the different varieties contained inside.
Looks like we’ve got 3 different varieties of candy corn there and that brown lump on the left is actually supposed to be shaped like, yes, a pecan. Gotta say I’ve never seen a molded candy corn pecan before. That thing in the back is actually supposed to be a little corn cob, although it doesn’t look near as yellow in this pic as it does in real life. And of course we have the mellowcreme punkin taking center stage.
I think I’ll start with the corn cob….Well, that was interesting. Um…at first I thought it was lemony, but I think that’s just the color throwing me off. No, that tastes pretty much like a bitter, year-old candy corn. After I put it in my mouth, it was a little softer than I expected it would be because when I was holding it, it felt rock hard.
(Yes, you’re all welcome for that last sentence. Go ahead. Get it out of your system.)
Moving on to the various classic candy corn…things…Wow! The red and white one is kind of “hot.” By that I meant it’s kind of like those Red Hot candies they used to make back in the day, the ones that are supposed to be some kind of hardcore mint, like a Big Red chewing gum. I wasn’t expecting that. The one with the brown in the bottom is kind of chocolatey, and the other standard orange one is basically your run of the mill candy corn. No surprise there. Now let’s move on to the “pecan” (pecan? seriously?)…
Oh god…Oh god that’s gross. Oh sweet Jesus. Where they really trying to approximate the taste of a pecan there? What the hell is in my mouth right now??? I need some water. It’s like root beer mixed with candy corn mixed with…sweet god almighty this is foul…
I need some reinforcements. Time to bring out the big guns…
Yeah, that’s right! You didn’t see that coming did you? What, too early? Yeah, I don’t think so. Just took a sip and all is well with the world.
Ok, all that’s left of the Fall Festival here is the mellowcreme punkin. I’m sure it can’t be worse than that pecan “thing”…What the hell??? It’s the same as that red and white “red hot” bullshit! Candy corn punkins aren’t supposed to taste like that! It’s like over the past year, these things have all decided in a desperate hedonistic bid for some kind of pleasure, to have a giant orgy in the package, thinking they would never be rescued, and they all spread their disgusting flavored STD’s to each other. Each one is more infected than the last until the whole package is a festering cesspool of dripping hepaghonasyphilaids. And now it’s all in my mouth.
Jelly Belly Fall Festival Mix, your long and perilous journey has at now come to an end. Your final resting place is my trash bag. Rest in peace, you rotted, expired filth…The weird thing is, I like candy corn.
Ok, who’s on deck? Oh, here’s a blast from the past. I actually wrote about it once already. Nothing more to say really that I didn’t say before other than since that last post it temporarily became part of my Christmas decorations last year and has sat on my “holiday table” ever since. Well, Mr. Scary Skeleton, your time has finally arrived…Arise!….Arise!
I took a bite out of him after this but I won’t bore you with another picture. He tasted about the same as I remember them back in the day. They were a little more tarty back then, and this one’s a little more chalky, but who knows what spending a year in a plastic coffin and being subjected to participate in Christmas decorations does to a man. Oh, and in case you’re wondering what bite I took, well, let’s just say I hope Old Boney is a lefty, cause that’s all he’s got to work with now.
This next one is fun. I have no idea what to expect here. So far I’ve kept an open mind because although I knew I was about to eat expired processed sugar and corn syrup products that had been sitting in my cabinets for the past year, it was candy that I at least had a history of enjoying. But the next thing could go either way. You see, it’s a gummy thing. And I hate gummy. The only kind of gummy I like is this kind.
Anyways, I present to you Lightning Pumpkins Gummy Candy!
Based on the packaging I might just have to rethink my stance on gummy. If you can make it out, on the right there, it says, “NEW AND IMPROVED TONG INCLUDED.” It comes with a tong! It also says, “GRAB A PUMPKIN! LIGHT IT UP!” These motherfuckers are radioactive! I was reading the instructions on the back and there’s all this talk of making sure you use the right batteries and such, but no mention if it even comes with batteries. I was worried because I really didn’t want to make a run to the store at this time in the night for some impossibly small, ridiculous brand of battery that you can only get at Radio Shack. My love of electronic candy accessories only goes so far. But one squeeze of the tongs gave me all the answer I needed.
Since this is a special occasion I busted out something else I bought last year–my groovy raven plate. It’s actually been sitting in the cabinet since then too and this is its first use. Yay raven plate!
Ok, here’s the big moment.
Well, I’m afraid my shitty phone camera kind of fizzled the big climactic moment, but just imagine what it looks like on the front of the package, and it looked pretty much just like that. Like you shined a flashlight behind a piece of gummy candy…that happened to look like a punkin. And now the taste test…Yep, that’s pretty much what I thought it would be. Tastes like a rubber band had sex with a sweet tart. Hey, you can’t complain. They gave you battery operated tongs in the package for God’s sake. I mean, come on. I hate gummy stuff but it’s not every day I get to simulate electrocuting them before eating them. We’ll call it evensies.
And now, the headliner! Everything up till now has just been the local opening bands. You might stand at the front of the stage out of politeness and if you’re feeling generous buy something from their merch tables, but the following is what you got your hand stamped for…
Halloween Fizz N Finds!
Matt actually reviewed these things last year, but we’ll just chalk this up to that old saying about imitation and flattery. Besides, if you want to get technical, I think I actually bought them first back then. But, while he was actually making use of them, I didn’t do diddly squat and they’ve sat in the kitchen lo these many months, waiting for their time to shine. Well, the time be nigh, boys! The time be nigh! I’m pretty sure you know the drill on these. It’s basically an Alka Seltzer with one of 4 Halloween figurines inside.
You’ve got Boo the Ghost, Trick the Vampire guy, Treat the Frankenstein guy, and Wartsy the Witch. I bought 3 of these things, so I’m hoping for no repeats. Given the odds here, my dream team would leave out Wartsy. Not to be sexist or anything, but Trick is my first choice, followed by Boo, and rounded out by Treat. I wanna throw Treat in there cause Frankie just always gets the shaft, and I mean, look at him. He just looks sad and pitiful. Now if there were a werewolf or a zombie thrown into the mix, that would change up the whole game. But, you take what you can get in times like these. Besides, Wartsy looks like she’s responsible for whatever’s bumming out Treat so she’s already on my bad side.
Right, well let’s get to it…
First off, Matt was correct in his review. The first thing that hits you when you open the package is the smell. I don’t know what this thing smells like, but it’s strong. Also, that punkin wrapper is fused to this thing on a molecular level. It took some real work with a pairing knife to pry it all off.
The instructions say to dunk it in warm water. Here we go…
Aaaaaaand, nothing. Three minutes later and it looks just like this. I got nothing. Not a single fizzle. So I put some more warm water in, and started poking it. This is it, several minutes later, warmed and poked.
It’s so weeeird! It’s like a plastic outer film filed with some kind of gritty, slimy…stuff. The only thing I can compare it to is liquid cottage cheese, cause it’s all lumpy. That’s it. I give up. I’m picking it up and just squeezing it. The first thing I notice after picking it up is that there’s more than one thing inside there. It actually has disolved somewhat, but it was more like an ice cube melting than anything else. There sure as hell wasn’t a show. It just kind of fell apart. I started squeezing it and this gunk, which I can only describe as pus, started just shooting out in 6 different directions. The outer wall gave way to basically a plastic sack and this stuff was under a lot of pressure so it started going everywhere when I squeezed it. Here it is, sufficiently squeezed and expunged. It looks like it threw up.
All that’s left is basically a birth sack that I had to cut into with the knife to fish out whatever was in there. It wasn’t until I pulled it out and rinsed it off that I could identify it…
It’s the decapitated corpse of Wartsy the Witch! Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that somehow I knew that was her in there and in my hatred for that contempuous bitch, I squeezed it so hard her head popped right off. Well, that’s just not true. I swear I had no idea until I dug her out of that milky, placental mess. Well, aside from the satisfaction of seeing her parted with her head, that was pretty much a fail all around. Let’s continue with the experiment. I have a feeling the results will be similar though. Let’s just hope we can get some better toys…
This second go round the strategy is different. I can see right away the there’s not going to be any fanfare even remotely resembling what’s on the package and what Matt got. That dream is dead. So, I sit the thing down in the water and immediately start to gently flip it over, squeeze it, and kind of knead it like dough. This seems to help it along to fizzle much faster, but while I’m hoping to get something resembling the YMCA pool scene at the end of Gremlins, instead it just fills up the bowl with a milky, gradual discharge. The best way that I can describe the solid chalky stuff that dissolves is to compare it to lumps of sugar when it clumps up and you can just squeeze it to break it apart. It’s pretty much just like that. So I just gently squeeze it till it all dissolves and disappears. Because of the milkly layer of dissolved stuff at the top of the bowl, I can’t see what the toy looks like in there. Once I’m sure I’ve squeezed all the chalky stuff all the way down and all that’s left is the plastic sack and the little surprise, I raise it out of the water to greet the world. Let’s see what we have here…
Another late term abortion I’m afraid. I’m almost starting to feel kind of bad for the Witch community. Well, if I can get at least ONE of my dream team out of this at least the whole thing won’t be a total loss. Time to dive in for Number 3. Let’s bring it home (Oh, and as an aside, as I’m typing this I’m listening to “Dead Man’s Party” by Oingo Boingo. I’ve had a nice little soundtrack going during all of this. Wish you guys could be here for it)…
K, I’m back. Well, you sure won’t believe how this turned out. I put the tablet down in the water. Right away, I notice a different result. We don’t get the full on fizz and bubble that we’re looking for, but it did start to fizz up considerably more than the other two. I reach in the bowl to kind of help it along, squeezing and prodding and suddenly I notice something. It’s breaking up MUCH faster than the other two, and there’s no plastic birth sack thing. Instead, as I go to lift it up, the whole thing just falls apart and breaks in half! I feel a toy fall out in between the two halves, flip it over, and lookee what’s staring back at me…
It’s Boo! The Ghost! I lift him out, rinse him off, and check him out! He’s like, “Yeah, bitches. What, you didn’t think I’d show?”
But, this shit gets better. I notice right away that dude has like 4 POINTS OF ARTICULATION. His head and both arms swivel 360 degrees, and his bottom half swivels around. You can make him do The Transylvania Twist. He’s like Casper with attitude. Then it occurs to me, maybe the Wartsy twins aren’t dead after all…just disassembled. Sure enough, all you gotta do is just twist their heads onto the pegs sticking out of their necks, and boom, back to life. Turns out they’ve got the same articulation, so now it’s just a dance party. They weren’t abortions! They were just preemies! Well we’re all back to health now. Check it…
So, all’s well with the world. I’ve got one last one for you. I’m going back even further in time for this one. Come along and hop in the Delorean with me. When this baby hits 88mph, you’re gonna see some serious shit…
Some of you may remember me mentioning at one time or another that I used to work at a toy company. I basically just handled sales all day but occasionally they would have huge sales in the warehouse where they were trying to unload all their surplus stuff. So everyone in the office would mosey down there and it was just like a giant garage sale, only it was all toys, pencils and stickers. You have to keep in mind that this was 2 years ago. Well, the last sale we had was in late September of ’07, just before I was going to quit and move to Columbia. This was the last chance I had to score a bunch of marked down crap that I would probably never use or play with but couldn’t turn down because it was so cheap. So I walked into the warehouse and sitting on the table was this.
Well I just had to have it. I mean, come on. Look at it. But after further inspection I noticed it was made by a company called Bubbagum. Bubbagum was founded by some jackass whose name I won’t repeat here because I don’t feel like it who went off and made himself a millionaire creating a product that resulted in this sadness.
Yeah. Well, the vampire teeth here were sitting there with a similar product–Zombie Teeth. Despite my disdain for the bubba thing, I had to have both of these. So I snagged them both, but unfortunately lost the zombie ones. They’re probably at my mom’s house somewhere. When I was up there last weekend I saw the vampire ones and made sure to grab them just for this occasion. Yes, I’m going to try them out. Oh, and just so you know the expiration date on the back: 07/30/2006
This ought to be fun.
The way these things work apparently is they come with a stick of gum. You’re supposed to chew the gum, then use it like denture cream to pack it down in the teeth and secure them to your teeth. Then when you’re done looking like an idiot you EAT THE TEETH. At least that’s what it says on the package. Let’s see how it works out…
So I go to open the gum, and there’s a temporary tattoo in there!
Dude, I don’t know about this gum…it looks pretty scary…
Well, it’s pretty fruity…taking a while to get it chewed well enough to mold in into the teeth, but I’m getting there..
And here we are. Blaaahhhh!
I tried actually eating the teeth but they were rock hard. I only succeeded in gnawing a chunk out of the gum. You don’t need a picture of it. It’s gross and stupid.
Wait, do you guys hear something? Is that? No…it can’t be…oh no! He’s back!…RUN!!!
What, you thought I was gone!?!? I GLOW IN THE DARK, BITCHES!