The Wilton Chocolate Cookie House Kit!

Ok, so it’s 1:49 AM as I start writing this, approximately 13 years after I wrote that last post, as some of you have reminded me. A lot. Well, let’s not waste any more time with pleasantries. Tis the season and here we are.

This year, season wise, is going to be a lean one. Being newly unemployed means the green leafy spendy monies are in short supply, so we’re going minimalist this time around. I still haven’t drug my decorations out yet, but will probably get on that this week. I got a lot last year, and right after Halloween was over, my cousin gave me a lot more. So between my own stuff, and my newly acquired Halloween-me-downs, I’ll have a lot to display. But, as far as newly bought stuff for this year, well, it might not be much. In fact, I think you’re about to read about what might be my sole purchase of the season. It’s something I’ve wanted to try out for a few years now, and on a grocery-buying trip to Wally World a couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of weakness and bought the sucker. I present to you…

The Wilton Chocolate Cookie House Kit!

I’ve been eyeing these things in the stores for the past few years, and like a sad, drunk girl staying too late at the bar, I think this one was eyeing me back. So, I broke down and took her home. Time to make some bad decisions. First off, let’s open this bitch up and see what’s inside. Here are the contents:

Here’s what we’re looking at (taken from the side of the box):

2 Round decorating tips and disposable decorating bags
2 Icing mixes, white and orange, artificially vanilla flavored (instructions included)
1 Pre-baked, pre-assembled chocolate flavored cookie haunted house
Pre-made ghost icing decoration
Purple liquid icing color
Card board base
Complete decorating instructions (bullshit)
Colorful candy

Hoookaaaay, here we go. First thing I noticed right away is that Wilton chocolate houses don’t hold up too well under pressure, or at least transportation. Despite 10 yards of poppy, bubble wrap poked down in the box, we still ended up cracked.

That’s ok though. It’s a haunted house. We’ll chalk it up to effect. Now, on to the frosting. Old Wilton doesn’t make it too easy for you, I’ll say that for them. Is there frosting in there? Well, yes and no. Can you just squeeze it right onto the house? Sort of. As we’ll see, it won’t be without a fight. What you get are two packets of what essentially looks like colored flour, and it’s your responsibility to add water to it, mix it like mad, and create frosting. You pour a packet in a bowl. Doesn’t matter which one (I chose orange for reasons I’ll discuss in a sec), and then add the recommended 3 tablespoons or so of water, mix it (preferably with an electric mixer, blender, whatever), and presto-chango, you have frosting. As I said earlier, bullshit. First of all 3 tablespoons of water doesn’t do jack. All you end up with is clumped up chunks of flour like powdery stuff. I don’t have a mixer, so I’m mixing like a nut by hand with a whisk. I figure out pretty quickly that the whisk just isn’t cutting it, so I just start using the spoon. That makes mixing a lot easier, but a LOT more water is necessary. In case you’re planning on attempting this yourself, by 3 tablespoons, they actually mean about 12. And by 12, I mean, I finally just ran water from the faucet straight into the bowl until I got something that actually worked. Finally, after a lot of frustration, water, and frantic mixing, I came up with this.

It was actually just a smidge too watery, but I drained a lot of it out. I won’t go into detail about the ordeal of loading the frosting into the “decorating bags”, but that was a sticky, messy adventure in and of itself. Another note — twisty-ties are your friends that should never be under appreciated. Call your favorite twisty-tie tonight and tell her how much you love her.

Right, so onto the purple frosting. This was the same drill as the orange, only this one required a separate food coloring packet deal that you had to mix in with the powder. This is why I did the orange one first. I wanted that one to be the trial run before I started messing around with multiple colors and such. It recommends that you slowly add the purple into the white powder until you get the desired shade of purple. Of course I read that as, dump every bit in and get to stirrin’. I’m looking for the darkest, most Halloweenerific shade I can get anyway, and if there’s one thing I have in common with Vicky Vale, it’s that “I loooooove purple”.

Chocolate house? Check. Loaded frosting bags? Check. Candy? Check. Let’s do this.

I’m picking one wide side and making this the front of my house. I decided right off the bat that the front door was going to look like a coffin, because that’s just what you do, and went about making my first tentative frosting outline. It came out pretty smooth, a lot better than I expected. I outlined the door with orange, filled in the middle with purple, and used a butter knife to spread it around and even it out. Then moved on to the windows and decided right away I was going for an Amityville Horror kind of deal with those. I hope I succeeded. And let me say, and I think this goes without saying, there is NO WAY that your house is going to look anywhere close to as good as the pics on the box. It ain’t happening. That frosting is just not that easily controlled. Forget about it. Mine looks like I went at it mid-sneeze compared to some of the professional level Ace of Cakes shit they’ve got going on in those pictures. Don’t feel too bad when you’re decorating yours. It’s rigged from the get-go, but you should expect that going in when you’re dealing with Wilton. This ain’t Betty Crocker we’re talking about here.

Now, after the door, windows, and little green dots were applied (notice the one for the doorknob? I thought that was clever), there was one thing left to do for this side. Friends, this will be the most important decision you will ever make in your life. It’s the ghost. You see, Wilton provides you with one, pre-made frosting ghost. One. That’s it. And the placement of this son of a bitch is crucial. You have never faced a decision so nerve-racking and sweat-inducing all your days as to where you’re going to place that ghost. That thing will MAKE OR BREAK your house. Forget what college you’re going to. Forget who you’re going to marry. Forget whether or not you’re going to keep the baby. It’s game time. In terms of major life decisions, this is some serious “choose the form of the destroyer” shit right here. And this is how it went down…

Mother puss bucket!

So, with that hurdle jumped, in the immortal words of BBD, time to slap it up, flip it, rub it down. On to the other side. I decided with this one, I’m going all-out scary punkin face. Forget windows, forget doors, I’m talking skeery eyes and pointy-tooth mouth. The eyes came easily enough. Squirted them out, threw some bats in there, done and done. And then things got tricky. The instructions warn you to cover the tips of the decorating bags with a warm cloth because the frosting can dry out. Pssht. I’m sure it won’t be a problem, right?….Um. Problem. Yep, I got half way into doing the mouth, and my orange just died on me. It quickly became a dried up, clumpy mess. So, I took it back to the sink, put a little more water in the bag, and that sort of solved the problem temporarily, but not really. I realized I was living on borrowed time here because what little frosting I was getting was really watery and dripping everywhere, if it was even coming out at all. So, I quickly finished up the mouth and made some attempt at a nose. As you can see, the nose just started to run, and dripped orange Hallo-snot all down into the mouth. But in the spirit of cracked chocolate roofs, it’s all in the effect. But, this thing needed to be more evil. Before I finish this up and move on to the roof (wait till you see what we have in store for that), I had to do something to salvage this side. So, what else are you going to do when you’ve got extra purple icing and you need to please Samhain?… Droopy frosting pentagram, that’s what! Behold!

Right, so now we move on to the roof. There are those out there who say I don’t blog enough. Those who doubt me. Those who have even put a lot of time and effort into getting me motivated, only to feel their efforts have gone unnoticed or ignored altogether. To those, I would say NAY! For I know where my bread is buttered! So, I dedicate the roof of my chocolate house of horrors to a couple of them. I present to you…

Mystie’s Crown Combo!                                               kb’s The Pilver!

Click them, know them, love them. You’ll never be the same.

Oh, and because I had a bunch of leftover bats (and long time readers know I LOVE the bats), I threw some of those on the roof too just to fancy it up a bit.

So, that’s it. After a messy attempt at drawing out a window on each side of this thing, it’s done. Here it is, finished, with gumdrop adornment, ready to strike fear in your heart, and cavities in your mouth. Oh, and Lenore and Venal Anatomica showed up! It’s a Monster Mash!

Next up, I actually try to eat this thing (believe it or not, I haven’t even taken a bite of it yet and I did all this 24 hours ago), put up some decorations, and I carve me a punkin! Hail Satan!


10 Responses to “The Wilton Chocolate Cookie House Kit!”

  1. I love the angles on that house; that’s some crazy Doktor Caligari German Expressionist shit right there. I’d totally be down with living in a house like that. Mind you, I’d probably live in a minuscule shed as long as I knew it had a pentagram that constantly oozed ‘Master of Reality’-purple frosting.

    I can only imagine what it would be like if this house came to life and started consuming people. I like to think I would live in it, but in the basement, I would house a witch who would lure unsuspecting children to the front door, never to be seen again. And yeah, it definitely reminds me of somethings I’ve seen in some of the German Film classes I’ve taken.

  2. I think your house came out fine. Of course, unless you’re a culinary professional, the house would never come out like it looks on the box. I don’t think I’d have the patience, after reading about how you struggled with the frosting. I would have chucked them clear across the room.

    There were times when I thought I was going to. You find that you have a lot more house than you do frosting, so it’s a race to try to do something with the frosting before it all dries up. You also have a metric ton of candy pieces and there’s no way I was going to try to find a place to stick all of those things, so I have a lot left over. I guess I went a little minimalist with my house, but I’m fine with it.

  3. I actually have this thing still in the box, sitting on top of my fridge for a month now. I still don’t know when I’m going to actually put it together, but I’ll use your blog as a guide. Nice post!

    Thanks. Like I said though, that whole thing about 3 tablespoons of water is a load of crap. There’s no way that’s enough. Just keep adding till you get the right consistancy and you should be fine. The frosting dries pretty quickly after you apply it, but it does act as a really good glue to hold the candy on though. I never had a problem with any of it falling off once I stuck it on there.

  4. I was loving this post so much, you know, being one of the some who have been annoying you to post SOMETHING…and then I see the roof. Two thumbs up Deej.

    Glad you enjoyed it. Oh, and just so you and Mystie know, I took my first bite of it the other night, and it was the Crown Combo side of the roof. I’m not blaming that side for the nastiness because I’m assuming the whole thing tastes this way, but half a roof later, and I’m officially done with this thing. I guess I got $9 worth out of decorating and posting fun out of it, but as for eating enjoyment, the chocolate house has officially been deemed a FAIL. Your side of the roof is intact though. At least until I chuck the whole thing in the trash in a couple of days.

  5. Aw you got ripped off. The Haunted Gingerbread House comes with three — count em, THREE ghosts. Takes the pressure totally off. Hell, I could eat one and still have some to spare.

    Thanks for the awesome icing shout-out! I actually keep thinking you’re mad at me lately. Paranoooiiiiddd….

    Well, goody for you. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Guess I’m just stuck with my one ghost then.

    Mad at you??? Why would I be? You need to lay off the wacky tobaccy, woman.

  6. Holy clusterfuck! That’s a whole lot of work for a haunted house! Glad you did it because that is just too much of an effort for me! Looks good though. Can’t wait to hear about you eating the damn thing!

    I actually took a bite out of the roof last night and it’s…interesting. And by interesting, I mean pretty gross actually. I don’t see myself eating this whole thing. It just tastes like a cheap, stale chocolate cookie.

  7. I saw those at Walmart when I got my two boxes of Halloween Crunch. I’m glad I didn’t splurge–the frosting on mine would have kitty hair stuck all up in it.

    And: “like a sad, drunk girl staying too late at the bar, I think this one was eyeing me back.” Classic.

    Glad you liked that. Like I was just saying to DC, it was fun for just the experience of doing it, but as far as eating it goes…um, no.

  8. I think your house looks fantastic! Kuddos. No way I’d have the patience for this.

  9. Hey no fair you, yours was assembled before you bought it. Ours was not. We ended up with one square three rectangles and two long rectangles. So we got frustrated and just used each piece as a cookie. I made this really fancy one with a detailed black cat with candy corn bush’s and a moon with stars. Okay I know I kinda’ over reacted when my puppy ate it along with the other awesome cookies by calling him a son of a two faced b***h and kinda’ grabbed him around the neck. and now since my mom sent me to my room and now I am typing the letters typing……..sideways 8.

    I think it’s clearly apparent that these houses do nothing less than ruin lives.

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