Don’t Be That Guy

There’s something I wanted to talk about tonight. Consider this to be a public service announcement. I’ve been to a lot of concerts over the years and there’s one thing that I’ve noticed. No matter where I sit or stand at a show, NO MATTER WHERE, at every show there’s that one guy. You know who he is. You’ve heard him. You’ve sat next to him. Maybe you are him. I’m going to go ahead and give you the benefit of the doubt and say probably not though.

The guy I’m talking about loves that he’s at the concert. I mean LOVES it. How do we know that? Because he insists on singing 30 times louder than everyone else around him. The most recent example of this was when one of my musical dreams came true last September and I got to see The Pixies. I love The Pixies. I love them about as much as any other college DJ/admitted music snob does. It’s kind of required. But there is a certain degree of “concert etiquette” that everyone should be aware of. It’s just one of those social contract kind of things. While writing this, I did some Googling to look for pictures and came across some other blogs that tackled this subject. What I found was that there have been several blogs written that list all the different types of annoying people you’ll see at a rock concert. Most of them are pretty entertaining and bring up some that I agree with, but I only want to talk about a specific type of guy right now. The guy I’m talking about was sitting in the the same row as mine, about 3 people down. He was apparently there with his girlfriend, who he insisted on holding onto in some sort of headlock that I can only imagine had to be pretty uncomfortable for her. For the entire concert he fist pumped. He jumped up and down. He stomped his feet. And he yelled. He yelled during the songs. He yelled in between songs. He yelled before and after the show. Oh dear god did he yell. He’s that guy. He’s that guy that feels the need to scream his head off just a little bit louder than anyone else THE ENTIRE TIME. Mostly he just yelled, “Woooo!!! Pixiieeeeees! Pixiieeeeeeees! Wooooooo!!!!!” Yeah, dude. It’s the fucking Pixies. We’re all excited. We all bought the ticket. We know who we’re here to see. You wanna take it down a notch? I’m trying to listen to Kim Deal.

I mean, you would have thought that that very night he was introduced to the concept of a live rock and roll performance and it BLEW HIS MIND. I understand the idea of getting excited about seeing your favorite band, but Annoying Concert Guy is an asshat. Don’t be Annoying Concert Guy.

Of course it goes without saying that the movie theater has its own version of this. And it’s much worse. At least at concerts you’re expected to cheer and make noise. I’ve got a few pet peeves in my life: not filling up the ice trays when you put them back in the fridge, people who say, “me likey”, people mixing up “your” and “you’re” (Seriously. It’s NOT THAT HARD). But the biggest one ever, the one that will send me into a flying rage almost, is the jackass or jackasses that insist on making noise in the theater when I’m at the movies. I’ve actually known to grow the biggest pair of balls you’ve ever seen and stand up, go over to someone, and tell them to shut the fuck up right then and there in the theater. I’ve got no problem with that at all. It’s bad enough that going to the movies and eating popcorn these days costs a week’s paycheck, so after laying down a gazillion dollars for a “small” gallon sized soda and a buttered, salted, heart attack in a bag, I didn’t pay all that to listen to some inconsiderate fuckface who can’t keep their mouth shut the entire time.

A prime example of this was last weekend. I went to the movies and saw the new Nicholas Cage thing. Now you’re probably saying at this point that I deserved to be annoyed just for making the mistake of seeing a Nicholas Cage movie, but I would argue that since we’ve all collectively agreed to punish ourselves this way, let’s not make it worse by being inconsiderate and getting on one another’s nerves. As a side note, the movie was Season of the Witch and was totally ridiculous, but I mean, come on, it’s Nicholas Cage. By this point, I know going in what to expect. He’s like that one ex-girlfriend who you know is bad for you. You know by the end of the night you’ll be full of regret and wondering why you fell for it again, but you just can’t stay away.

So I went with my cousin and we go in and sit in the next to last row, way in the back. Behind us are two middle aged, rather large women who are pretty chatty. At this point the lights are still on and the previews haven’t even started up yet, so I don’t mind. My rule is I’ll let it slide all the way into the previews even, but as soon as the movie starts up, shut it. Well, straight away I can see this isn’t going to be good. At every “comedic” moment (and I’m using that term loosely), they cracked up like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. At the scares, they screamed, and between laughs and loud shrieks, they talked NON STOP. Much like Annoying Concert Guy, you would have thought they’d never actually been to a picture show before.

But, this time I was cool. I just leaned over to my cousin and asked him if he minded if we moved, and he was all for it. We went down a little closer to the front, and all was well.

Don’t be Movie Theater Jackass. Movie Theater Jackasses get stabbed in the throat by quiet, unassuming little guys in black t-shirts. Or at the least get yelled at by them.

10 Responses to “Don’t Be That Guy”

  1. I’m the chick at concerts that will a couple times let out a scream so loud and shrill that people around me actually go cross eyed, plug their ears, and shoot me dirty looks. I can’t help it that I’m a screamer.

    I hate people that talk during the movies, though. I’ll tolerate the “ooh, let’s go see that!” during the previews, but after that it’s time to be quiet. I almost killed my friend Nikki once for singing along when we went to see Nightmare Before Christmas 3D a few years back.

    Yeah, my friend Donna used to do it when we went to the movies together until I had to pretty much tell her to stop. Everything’s cool now. I think she got the message.

  2. I’m pretty loud at concerts, but I don’t yell non stop. I just have a good time. As far as people in the movie theater, Ive been known tell people to shut the fuck up, and have been applauded for this by other movie goers at times. When I went to see the new F13, someone had a friggin’ laser pointer and was annoying the living shit out of everyone. Myself and a few others let it be known, that if we found out who it was, we would toss them out ourselves. It stopped shortly after, but we never did find out who the asshole was. It reminds me of Henry Rollins skit about being on an airplane, it goes for movies as well…”Bing! Sit the fuck down! And shut the fuck up!”

    Amen, brother.

  3. Even if we’re just sitting around at home watching a DVD, I still can’t stand it when people talk through it.

    Oh, and I really hate when people say “supposably” instead of “supposedly”. Argh.

    I’m glad to see we’re on the same page. I thought supposably you would disagree with me on this, but I guess not.

  4. I went and saw Tropic Thunder in the theater when it came out. There was a family with three small children (Between three and six years old, I’m guessing) at a ten o clock show at an R rated film. The kids ran around the theater the entire time. Blew my mind that parents would A) take their kids to that movie and B) be oblivious to the fact they were ruining it for everyone. I didn’t say anything because I figured it was pointless, those kids are probably doomed.

    I know it’s easy for me to say this because I don’t have kids, but I just don’t get what some people are thinking with the way they raise their kids. I see kids do all kinds of stuff when I’m out that I never would have gotten away with. My parents would have let me know real quick that that kind of thing wouldn’t slide.

  5. I hate people who talk during movies, unless the movie is over a certain godawful theshold. When a certain godawful threshold is reached, I don’t mind if people start loudly making fun of it, adding their own rifftrax.

    The only time that I can think of when I thought it was funny was when we I saw the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. As soon as it was over, some guy yelled out, “I ain’t NEVER moving to Texas!”

    Hmm, at concerts, I hope I’m not the person singing too loudly. My level of singing along depends on those around me, and I try not to be louder than my neighbors. Some people like their concerts as “sing alongs,” others feel that they are paying to see the singer, or group sing, and that I should not interfere with that.

    I think it’s cool as long as you’re at the same level as everyone else. I’ve been to shows where I was in the front row and no matter how loudly I sang, it was so loud in there that I literally couldn’t hear my own voice. But, I think if you’re noticeably much louder than everyone around you, and you’re still yelling when the band’s not even singing to the point that I can’t even hear what they’re saying on stage, you need to take it down a notch.

  6. The worst person I ever encountered at a concert was at a Wesley Willis concert about a hundred years ago. It was Wesley Willis. He smashed me in the face with his rock hard forehead, and then asked if he could spend the night with me. He also peed in his pants.

    I’ve been using that exact same method to pick up women for years. Are you trying to tell me that’s a turn off? That would explain quite a lot if that’s the case.

  7. I didn’t realize you were being so blogalicious lately. By lately the last month, I guess. Fuck I am so bored today. I’m taking it veeery easy so as not to jinx things and I’m going nuts.

    Know who I hate at concerts? “High-five guy.”

    Yeah, I have been on a little bit of a writing jag. Being unemployed will do that to you.

  8. Me likey you’re blog. (Yep, I had to be THAT guy.)

  9. Once upon a time I went to the movies with a friend. The woman sitting behind me decided that would be the perfect time to balance her checkbook and bitch at her husband about their finances. I shushed them multiple times and when the movie was over I told her she should rent movies from now on if all she was going to do was talk through them. She called me a bitch and invited me to step outside. I accepted. She just sat there and looked at me.

    Don’t talk during movies. Ever.

  10. When I was about 14, my parents took all three of us kids to a movie and some dude was talking on his cell phone behind us. My dad kept politely shushing him but after about 20 minutes, my dad lost his mind. He stood up and told the guy exactly how he felt, which is when I turned around and realized my dad was yelling at Mystikal, like, the rapper. Dunno if people still know who he is but in New Orleans in ’94 that was a big deal. The ushers wouldn’t tell Mystikal to be quiet and after the movie they suggested we get a police escort to our car. We did.

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