White Trash Halloween

It’s finally about that time.

I saw my first official Halloween commercial on TV yesterday. It was for Party City and had a bunch of nitwits dancing in costumes to some shitty cover of “Thriller”. I don’t care. It’s everywhere now. Target’s a little disappointing this year, but at least they’re in full on rubber bat mode. This is my time. The time of year when the rest of the world tunes their brains to the same infernal frequency that mine is locked into 666 days out of the year. The signs are in the autumn air and the lawn decorations are creeping up. And how.

I live in the south and let me tell you something right now. If there’s one thing that rednecks like to do it’s to demonstrate to you exactly how much useless shit they have by putting it out in the gee-dee front yard. In short, rednecks love to decorate outside for holidays. And that is why we’re here today. The other day after work, I decided to make a Halloween run. I hit up Target and a couple of the other smaller stores to see what was out and if I could snag any good deals. It was kind of a last minute decision. I was actually already in my neighborhood, about 2 turns away from my driveway, when I decided to turn around and head out. That was how I ended up in the other side of the neighborhood. No, it’s not the rough area so much as it’s the…well…mobile area. And that’s where I spotted this vision. You may want to click it to get the bigger version. You don’t want to miss anything this baby’s got to offer.

Take a look at this thing. I’m not judging. I’m really not, but you have to wonder what goes through the brains of people. Let’s take a quick inventory. We’ve got a wagon of some kind in the middle there. There appears to be a makeshift bridge leading up the the front porch. On said bridge there may or may not be a chainsaw and weed eater. No, those are not part of the spooky decor. I also like how they obviously had some of that pumpkin “garland” stuff left over and just said, “fuck it, we’ll just string it up next to the door”. And let’s not forget Old Glory. But the best..the absolute best is the star of the show. The pumpkin bush on the left. I’m guessing that’s a bush. I don’t know what that is, but not since I built a Snow Thing, have I seen someone work so hard to make something so sad with so little. Rock on, Trailer Park of Terror. You may not know how to clean up, but at least you’re putting some effort in.

By the way, two trailers down, I saw a front yard with no less than 4 chickens in it, as well as a giant open bag of dog food laid out next to a garbage pail, from which 3 neighborhood dogs were feeding. Yep.

So, after the Trailer Park Tour of Terror was over, I made my way to Target were I was honestly a little underwhelmed. They’re usually the place to be every year, but so far it’s lacking a little something. Instead of revolving around a central theme of zombie butlers and creepy mascot children, this year there are just a few rows of candy and costumes…and that’s about it. Maybe they were just getting started. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and check back later, but I found much more interesting things somewhere else. Right here:

Wilson’s is one of those types of places that Matt writes about sometimes, if we’re lucky. It’s one of those deals where from floor to ceiling, you’re assaulted with a barrage of…stuff. Stuff of any kind in the world. There is very little order or reason to any of it. I saw everything from sewing supplies to fart spray to tiki torches to well, you’ll see. The first thing you need to know is that I have to apologize for the lack of pictures, and possibly dodgy quality of the ones I did take. That place was crawling with not only children, but also employees, coming up to me every 25 seconds to see if I needed anything. I’m sure the fact that I was just walking around shifty eyed with my phone in my hand didn’t help. I was trying desperately to snap any pic I could at all without getting a kid in the shot or getting spotted by one of the 427 people they had working there. The last thing I needed was to get thrown out for being some pedo perv with a weird Halloween kink.

So, this first one was done on the fly and it was the best I could do while pretending to text while getting the stink-eye from the large woman behind the front counter. It probably didn’t help that I forgot to turn the flash off.

You know how I said the place was packed from floor to ceiling? Yeah, I meant that literally. Some areas actually had giant spiders and ghosts and things hanging down just above your head. The isles are incredibly narrow and every square inch is packed with all manner of spooky crap. It’s like a Spencer’s had sex with a flea market. Here was the best I could do at getting a shot of a full isle from a safe distance. Note the South Carolina state flag displayed on the back of that one lady’s shirt. I promise that wasn’t planned.

While making the rounds, I decided to check out the rest of the store, the non-Halloweenified parts. It was there that I found this. Gothic Powder Paint.

I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with this, but I’m guessing it involves drawing ceremonial pentagrams in the sidewalk that will eventually be washed away by the tears of Robert Smith.

In conclusion, my favorite part of the store was this guy.

I’m sorry for all of this.

6 Responses to “White Trash Halloween”

  1. I’m almost positive that’s actually an extraordinarily meager fake x-mas tree that’s been re-purposed for the current season by covering it in Halloween string lights and a pumpkin that’s wearing the wig that the owner normally forces his pot bellied pig to wear during intimate relations.

    I love how both long and insightful this sentence is.

  2. God I wish we had “mobile home courts” or whatever the PC term for trailer parks is. But if we did, I guess all the crackheads would just commandeer them. I feel like I just had a real tour through my nightmares. MORE.

    You’d love my neighborhood. It looks just like the one in Edward Scissorhands, with rows of cookie cutter houses and square lawns that all look exactly alike, aside from the one outer section full of trailers, chickens and that one lady up the street who keeps a goat tied to a giant brick in the back yard.

  3. I’m SO excited that Halloween is just around the corner. That nifty trailer up there just has me all the more excited!

    When I do eventually make it out to SC, we’re going to Wilson’s. I demand it!

    Absolutely. We’ll hit up Wilson’s, a Waffle House and any other kooky place I can think of. I might even take you to The Beacon Restaurant, where a guy with a messed up eye screams at you while in you’re line to “walk and talk!, walk and talk!”. If you don’t order fast enough, they kick you out of line and you have to start all over again. All orders are placed by screaming it back to the kitchen. No paper, no computers, just a series of screaming from one person to the next, and it all works smoothly.

  4. Man, you have talent. Awesome post.

    Well, it’s no Veggie Macabre, but I try. Honestly, I’ll be the first to admit that everything I tried to do here (author visits kooky store and talks about what he finds there) has been done much better by both you and Matt. Thanks though!

  5. i agree with jugendsehnsucht, i think that pumpkin thing in the front yard is a Christmas tree. Very classy. I love gothic paint. we use it all the time at preschool for craft projects and the best part is it’s totally washable.

    • I had never heard of it until I saw it in this store. How did my childhood come and go without being exposed to it? Nah, forget it. I’d rather meet it this way.

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