The Gayest Cartoon Characters Ever

We here at the Great and Secret Show work on our own timetable. Regular readers are pretty well aware of this. The last 2 posts were supposed to be 2 of 3 where I covered everything I did and bought for Halloween. I’ve got a lot more to talk about, but being that it’s less than a week away from Turkey Day, I honestly can’t be bothered with making that third post. So, I’m going to just sprinkle the rest of my spooky stuff (of which there is quite a bit) here and there throughout the next few posts…if I feel like it. Either way, you nuts will show up and read it anyway, so screw it. For now, I’ve got other stuff to discuss.

Which brings me to this. I love cartoons. Love ’em. Always have and always will. But, it has occured to me lately that there is a certain segment of the animated community that is a little, shall we say, light in the loafers. As my grandfather used to say, “he’s got a little sugar in his tank.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying. I know that I’m not the first to notice this and I’m not the first to point it out, but I’m leaving some of the more obvious ones off the list, because it’s more fun that way. So, you won’t see any Ace and Gary here, and as much as people protest otherwise, there will be no mention of Batman and Robin. For one, they weren’t originally cartoon characters, and for two, I just don’t have the heart. Also, you’ll notice that not everyone discussed is necessarily a cartoon character. I’m kind of extending my definition to a few puppets and people in suits here and there.

So, having said that, I give you my list of all those funny (and i’m not talking funny ha-ha) characters, in no particular order, that are not only friends to us all, but more notably, Friends of Dorothy.

Snagglepuss

The other day I was flipping channels and came across an old episode of the Hannah Barbara Laff Olympics. These things were great. All the old HB characters came together to compete in wacky games. It was the only time you ever got to see all these guys together in the same place. I remember loving it as a kid. They were hosted by old Snagglepuss up there. So, I was excited to find this on TV again. I sat back, dug into my bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats, had a laugh, and let my thoughts wander to a better time. A time when Saturday morning cartoons reigned supreme. A time when Halloween and Christmas never came fast enough. A time when-

Oh my God, Snagglepuss is so gay.

I mean incredibly gayer than gay. I mean, have you heard him speak? Again, I’m not criticizing. I just never noticed it till now. Apparently, it took adulthood for me to develop any kind of gaydar. But let me tell ya, it’s pinging all over the place now, firing on all cylinders, e-ven!

Bugs Bunny

Now, while I’ve always been more of a Wile E. Coyote kind of guy, I still really like Bugs. And I know a lot of other people do too. But, let’s face it. The cross-dressing. The rabbit-on-man kissing. The love of show tunes. He could just be a debonair showman, but I’m not ruling out any possibilities.

Yogi Bear and Boo Boo

All I’m saying here is that I never saw any female bears having any pic-a-nics with Yogi. And if Boo Boo is supposed to his kid or his nephew or something, it would be nice if they had cleared that up at some point. All we know is that he’s his “little buddy.” Yeah, I think we know what that’s all about.

Bert and Ernie

Even at the tender age of 5, I knew something odd was going on here. It wouldn’t have been such a dead giveaway if they didn’t sleep in the same bed. I gotta say, they do deserve some credit for being TV’s first out couple, even if it was never directly addressed. I suppose they didn’t have to though. They bicker like a married couple anyway. And even though it’s been years since I made a point of sitting down and watching Sesame Street, I’m sure if you paid close attention to their apartment, it’s faaaabulous. Rubber ducky, you’re the one.

Big Bird

I never really suspected anything when I was a kid, but it became pretty apparent when I got older. But I have another theory about BB though. I’m not just going with gay. I think he’s all out pre-op tranny. I mean think about it. Does anyone really know what gender he/she is. Well, whether it’s an inny or an outy, BB’s OK in my book. He’s not hurting anybody. Now Snuffleupagus, that’s a different story. He’s about 3 missed Prozacs away from snapping and taking out half the street.

Peppermint Patty and Marcie

There’s not much to say about the Indigo Girls here that hasn’t been said already. From Peppermint’s tomboyish and forceful style to Marcie calling her “sir” all the time, it’s pretty clear who’s wearing the pants in this relationship.

Velma

My personal favorite of the Scooby Gang. I mean, how could you not like Velma? While Fred and Daphne were sneaking off to do whatever they do and Shaggy and Scoob were “eating Scooby snacks” (cough, cough), poor Velma was always left to do the real work. I know that everyone always assumes that Fred and Daphne were sneaking off to get up to some hanky-panky, but let’s face it. That ascot of Fred gave him away. While he doesn’t deserve an actual spot on this list just because he’s lame, I do have to mention that he was a little swish himself. I think the more likely story was that Velma was secretly pining after Daphne. Who knows, maybe Daphne was pitch-hitting too. All I know is that Sarah Michelle Gellar might be hot and all, but for my money, in the Scooby-Doo movies Linda Cardellini is where it’s at. Jinkies!:

Tinky Winky

Do I really need to say anything here?

Vanity Smurf

Now, a case could be made that all the Smurfs were one big, blue bathouse of fun, but the truth is, it was most likely just an unfortunate sausage fest. While it’s no secret that Smurfette’s mushroom mansion of merriment has been the ruin of many a poor boy (who hasn’t smurfed her by now?), it’s also no secret that Vanity’s the only one in the clan with a season pass to the American leg of Cher’s 43rd fairwell tour. Way to rock that flower, you sexy mothersmurfer.

He-Man

This breaks my heart. I don’t want to admit it. I really don’t but you can only live in denial for so long. After going back and watching many an episode of He-Man in my adulthood I can’t ignore the tell-tale clues anymore. Now, as a child I worshipped He-Man. I think I might have had just about every He-Man related toy on the market, and could quote entire episodes. Next to Batman, he was probably my favorite fictional hero. Hell, I even had the underoos. But, being a little more wordly now, it’s pretty apparent that he and his magic flaming sword are probably all the rage down at the Eternia Gym. And while I’m at it, what’s up with Man-At-Arms and that mustache? By the Power of Gayskull! (sorry, I couldn’t help myself)

Waylon Smithers

There is so much wrong with him and the Mr. Burns situation I don’t even know where to start.

Stewie Griffin

Proof that even in infancy, it’s pretty apparent which way some people swing.

Ziro the Hutt

So there I am. Sitting in the theatre, enjoying the The Clone Wars movie. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I liked it, even though no one else seemed to. I like the TV series too. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Anyway, I’m sitting there getting geared up for the chance to see another Hutt character. I mean, let’s face it, as disgusting as Jabba is, he lights up the screen in a way. So, here comes Ziro…

Elton Jumping John, he’s gayer than eight guys screwing nine guys. I mean, the feather, the lisp, the movements. It’s not even subtle either. At least with C3P0 (yeah, like you’ve never noticed that one either), there was some debate either way. Again, I’m not criticizing, I just never thought I’d see the day that a Hutt would run the most limp-writed disco in the galaxy.

Hey there, Sailor. Is that a light saber in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?